It’s hard to know where to begin. How about --the words you will read from Ruika will inspire you? Ruika’s been inspiring me for a while with her words, her actions, and with her talent in writing, music and in business too. Her prior appearances on this site have reached many people; since then, she has gone on to accomplish things very few ever do.
If all this sounds too good
to be true, then I challenge you to read her words and tell me where I am
wrong. I could write a book about all this, but luckily I don’t have to: Ruika
already has.
Frequently Asked Questions, the title of Ruika’s book, takes us on a
journey that happens not just across continents, countries and languages, but
also through the mind of someone who loves the kinds of questions that not
enough of us ask ourselves, frequently or otherwise.
******************************************************************************************************************
If you had to pick a genre
for the book what would it be? In what section of say Barnes and Noble should
it be listed under? I ask this as you cross a wide range of interest and
disciplines and experiences. It is part memoir, part philosophy, part an
account of the importance of the arts, but then economics and psychology and
literature come in too.
If I
say I actually do not actively visit bookstores that much, it might surprise
people. So I’d say I’m not familiar with how Barnes & Noble categorizes
different genres of books. I started becoming an avid reader only about 2 years
ago and now receive book recommendations from other reader friends and NPR. But
if I had to pick a section of a bookstore, I’d say creative non-fiction.
Do you have an ideal reader
in mind at any point when you write and who would this be?
Yes. In the very beginning I thought my ideal
reader would be people within a certain age group, who are around the same age
as me, or a bit older as in their late twenties and early thirties. Now I just
think it could be anyone who hasn’t lost his or her faculty of wonder and
ability to ask difficult questions. To quote Richard Linklater’s film Waking Life (The Aging Paradox chapter): “I know what you mean, because I can remember
thinking, ‘Oh, someday, like in my mid-thirties maybe, everything's going to
just somehow gel and settle, just end.’ It was like there was this plateau, and
it was waiting for me, and I was climbing up it, and when I got to the top, all
growth and change would stop. Even exhilaration. But that hasn't happened like
that, thank goodness. I think that what we don't take into account when we're
young is our endless curiosity. That's what's so great about being human.” Waking Life is a
film I highly recommend, but it’s not for the faint of heart.
Waking Life: All Theory and No Action
Thank you for the kind words and I feel flattered
being called an explorer and questioner. I think my sense of curiosity started
during my rebellious teenage years in middle school. As most teenagers in the
world, I started asking questions and thinking differently, to a degree that
was emotionally exhausting and perplexing and even hurtful to my friends and
family. And to a middle schooler in China facing the tremendous pressure of
studying and taking exams, without much guidance to recognizing the “teenage
angst” and fostering healthy emotional adjustments, I felt quite detached from
my day-to-day student life at the time.
Although that senseless rebellion from teenage
years has faded, like I mentioned in the book, I don’t think the rebel in me
disappeared. I feel that my experience of coming to the US for college and all
its consequences and impacts transform that rebellion into curiosity and a
desire to not only live on the surface but also dig a little deeper to learn
more, or choose a “different” path, however “different” is defined. There’s
probably also a darker and more selfish side of wanting to be unique (well, the
definition of a rebel, I suppose). So I think the curiosity is a neither a
genetic heritage or something I intentionally cultivate. Yes, there’s subtle
cultivation as I grow older because of that selfish desire of being unique and
standing out, but the curiosity is more of a natural progression throughout my
course of growing up.
Socrates
may be the most famous philosophic questioner in history. He spent his life
asking questions of others who thought they knew things. After talking with
him, most discovered they did not really know what they thought. Is this
something you hope to want readers to experience by reading your book? He also
believed that “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Do you agree?
You certainly examine your life throughout the book. Perhaps another way of asking
this would be to say that only those (as you quote Olivier Sacks) who have
plumbed the depths, those who have been through dark times are themselves
‘deep?
I don’t think I had certain set agenda in mind
(what I want readers to experience by reading my book) before I started the
project in October 2013. The project was just for fun, and to be completely
honest, to fulfill the need for self-actualization. There were a few
"signs" at the time that pushed me towards the direction of actually
writing a book (reading and being inspired by a certain blog post, coworker
recommending a self-publishing tool, exchanging very well-written emails with a
friend who triggered the idea of inviting guest writers, etc.), but other than
that, I simply wanted to compile a few years of ideas & questions I’d asked
myself and others (all in bullet points format in a word document) and organize
and expand them into a collection of essays. Having written the essay on music for your blog also motivated me a lot and helped me develop confidence in
myself that I’m capable of pulling it through.
With regard to readers’ response or what I wanted
my readers to take away, I think I was aiming at encouraging people to start
conversations about these questions that many people have discussed but somehow
stopped partially because we unconsciously dive into the day-to-day existence
of our busy adult life. I think deep down, I’m trying to showcase that anyone
has the capacity of being more aware and curious in our day-to-day life;
perhaps I also want readers to pause, rethink about those questions they’ve
asked themselves, and examine how their positions on those questions might have
changed over years. So the intention is not to make readers realize they
actually don’t know
anything, but to help them think (or rethink) through some questions they’ve
once asked. I imagine it can be quite a refreshing experience for many.
People can experience dark times, sometimes even
with the same pattern, repeatedly, without being able to learn and think it
through. The reasons are complicated: the dark times can be too overwhelming
that emotions take over for a long period of time; people don’t forgive
themselves or let go; the experience is not remote enough in time for people to
gain perspectives yet; we blame others (the easy way) and avoid the messy and
difficult work of confronting their own issues and fixing them, etc.
We only live one life, and when we experience
adversity, we can’t compare the situation with another life, and we have to
make peace with the fact that it’ll make sense and the dots will connect only
after the experience, sometimes long after. I do agree that a life that’s
“unexamined” is not worth living, but on the flip side, a life over-examined
can be exhausting and much burden on the individual, especially to a degree
when the individual is unable to accept what happened. An over-examined life
would potentially push an individual back to the dark times without the
individual being able to move on and pulling him/herself out of them. From the
book, readers may suspect that I’m indeed the “over-examining” type. That
probably was true (and still is to some extent) for the longest time since I
started asking questions during teenage years. However, in this past year and a
half living an eventful life in San Francisco, experiencing many of the
exciting as well as heart wrenching aspects of adult life in a small but
populated urban area (coupled with family matters all the way on the other side
of the world), I’ve learned to be as compassionate and gentle towards myself
and my emotions as possible when experiencing dark times, but at the same time,
try not to lose the ability to learn from the adverse situations by examining
them and examining what my issues and baggage are (don’t we all have them?),
and how I can confront them, accept them, and be accountable for them. I
haven’t found a good balance yet, and perhaps that imbalance was unintentional,
due to inexperience in life overall, as well as intentional, due to my desire
(and perhaps fearlessness?) to explore a wide range of emotions to mentally
develop a stronger self. However, I trust that over time, I’ll achieve a more
balanced state.
While
I have said you are an intrepid explorer, I have also found in the book and in
our conversations over time that you have a genuine wonder about the world and
yourself. You mention that you may have had what Nietzsche calls the
abyss stare back at you after you have stared into it. For most this would be
dark journey and yet you have a joy and wonder about your life too. Is this
balance between what Kundera might call lightness and weight something that
happens from the outside or can you in any control it? Do you have favorite
parts of the book?
As mentioned above, I think a life over-examined
would potentially push an individual back to the dark times without the
individual being able to move on and pulling him/herself out of them. I
certainly have had this type of “over examining” experiences, with or without
extreme adversity, and feared if I went any deeper without the framing or help
of others around me, the abyss would be close to staring back at me.
On the other hand, fortunately, the curiosity in
me also provides me with an overall positive outlook on life. I choose to
surround myself with people who have that similar sense of curiosity, people
who are not afraid of asking questions without preconceived generalization or
excessive confirmation bias (isn’t this one of the hardest things to do in the
world?).
This exploring-without-preconceived-bias
approach, I have to admit, has caused me confusion and frustration, as if I do
not have opinions of my own that I should stick to, not only as a way to
represent myself, but also my uniqueness, given how I strong a sense of self I
have.
I’d ask myself, for example, after speaking about
various government regulations in this country with a very vocal libertarian
activist I dated, what should my opinion be on these subjects? Granted, I had
some (very few) preconceived opinions (perhaps not even fact- or stats-based
ones), but I would rather hear what he had to say to learn more. Contrary to
common sense, listening and learning about different opinions are easier for me
than forming a strong personal opinion and sticking with it for a long period
of time, I suppose especially about issues that are complex and easily
agitating. However, it is rather easy for me to establish my personal stance on
topics and experiences that all humans tend to endure and reflect upon (a
paradox?) – identity, love, emotions, meaningful connections, introspection,
complexity within people, and longing for beauty.
I don’t particularly think any of the above has
anything to do with heaviness and lightness. I perhaps have a biased view on
the word lightness. I tend to
interpret it as superficiality or meaninglessness, as much as I know how different they are and how I’m
likely incorrect on this, and meaninglessness is not something I’d pursue. I
think there’s another interpretation of the word lightness that has
the connotation of joyfulness, presentness, and heart-felt positivity, all of
which I wholeheartedly embrace. The only hope I have for myself and those
around me, and a very hard balance I haven’t learned how to keep, is the
following (yes, I’m going to present it as a question): How do we embrace and
experience the heaviness and dark times in order to truly appreciate the
lightness of joy and positivity, without letting the heaviness put a scar on
our mind and heart for an extensive period of time, while still learning and growing
as a person from the heaviness? In this life, pain is inevitable, but I trust
that suffering is not. And learning how to forgive, as hard as it is, is the
only way to keep going.
As for my favorite parts of Kundera’s book, there
are so many. I did write down “Masterpiece!!” next to the following section
(two chapters in the book) about the concept of kitsch. Thought I’d share here:
Ten years later (by which time she
was living in America), a friend of some friends, an American senator, took
Sabina for a drive in his gigantic car, his four children bouncing up and down
in the back. The senator stopped the car in front of a stadium with an
artificial skating rink, and the children jumped out and started running along
the large expanse of grass surrounding it. Sitting behind the wheel and gazing
dreamily after the fou little bounding figures, he said to Sabina, “Just look
at them.” And describing a circle with this arm, a circle that was meant to
take in stadium, grass, and children, he added, “Now, that’s what I call
happiness.”
Behind his words there was more than
joy at seeing children run and grass grow; there was a deep understanding of
the plight of a refugee from a Communist country where, the senator was
convinced, no grass grew or children ran.
At that moment an image of the
senator standing on a reviewing stand in a Prague square flashed through
Sabina’s mind. The smile on his face was the smile Communist statesmen beamed
from the height of their reviewing stand to the identically smiling citizens in
the parade below.
How did the senator know that
children meant happiness? Could he see into their souls? What if, the moment
they were out of sight, three of them jumped the fourth and began beating him
up?
The senator had only one argument on
his side: his feeling. When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to
object. In the realm of kitsch, the dictatorship of the heart reigns supreme.
The feeling induced by kitsch must be
a kind the multitudes can share. Kitsch may not, therefore, depend on an
unusual situation; it must derive from the basic images people have engraved in
their memories: the ungrateful daughter, the neglected father, children running
on the grass, the motherland betrayed, first love.
Kitsch causes two tears to flow in quick
succession. The first tear says: How nice to see children running on the grass!
The second tear says: How nice to be
moved, together with all mankind, by children running on the grass!
It is the second tear that makes
kitsch kitsch.
The brotherhood of man on earth will
be possible only on a base of kitsch.
 |
| Ocean Beach, California |
When I read about your
parents’ trip to the US I have to admit I teared up when you described your
father’s kicking sand at Ocean Beach and saying “I’ve never seen the sea in my
entire life!” You don’t really describe your feelings at that moment, but
what was it like for you?
Thank you for sharing – I’m glad to hear my words
have the capacity to move you and perhaps others. That was already more than a
year ago, but I do vividly remember what it was like that sunny but windy
afternoon by the ocean. I think what I felt in that moment was an epiphany: all
the work and frustration on my part (and their part too) going into the
planning of my parents’ trip suddenly seemed trivial. My father’s expression of
a kind of light and child-like happiness in that very moment seemed to have
justify all the weight and heaviness of time before that moment, and I want
to (instead of feeling obligated to) try my very best to help my loved ones experience this feeling
going forward.
Your words, your music, your
way of viewing the world all underscore your creativity. The book coming into
being is itself another form of creativity. Can you describe how you used
indiegogo to make your book a reality?
Ah this is a long story but I actually wrote up a
post describing the whole process for my university alumni webpage.
Frequently Asked Questions: My Journey in
Crowd-Funding & Self-Publishing
From February to March 2014, I ran an Indiegogo crowd funding campaign to self-publish a
non-fiction short-story essay collection titled Frequently Asked
Questions, along with 8 guest writers, to explore the theme of Questions –
questions we ask ourselves and each other, questions with a lot of different
answers or no answers at all, questions on our thoughts, identities,
experiences, dreams, directions, interaction with people and environment around
us, and perception of the world. The campaign ended on March 21st,
2014 and raised a total of $3,576, 715.2% of its original goal of $500 from 109
contributors around the globe. The book will be self-published and distributed
to contributors in June 2014. Here’s my story:
October 2013 – Inspired! And the chaos began.
Summer 2013, I moved from Arlington, VA to San
Francisco, CA for a second job, diving into the Bay Area startup industry from
the east coast corporate environment. Several months into my new job at the
world’s largest crowd funding platform Indiegogo, I have been immersing myself
in all the new people, sights, and experiences that San Francisco has to offer.
With a job that provides a much better cultural fit, interesting work,
flexibility, and creative inspiration, I have since then picked up more reading
and writing outside of work, and continued to play my digital piano and create
vocal and instrumental recordings.
I keep in touch with my former roommates from
Arlington, from the Class of 2011. In mid-October 2013, one of
my former roommates, Crystal, sent me an email and recommended an article to read, which randomly triggered
the idea of writing a book and starting a crowd funding campaign to get it
self-published. I don’t normally read much into those to-do lists on the
internet (ex: “30 places to visit before you die”), but made an exception for
this article for no particular reason, especially the quotes below:
“and when you’re in your twenties, I hope you buy
a plane ticket to Paris. i hope you get lost wandering all of the streets. i
hope you travel the world and read lots of new books. i hope you have
interesting conversations over warm cups of tea. i hope you drink out of
mason jars while dancing barefoot in the grass. i hope you have a water fight
in central park. set goals and change them. quit your day job. i hope you don’t
do any of these things or that you do them all. write a book. change your mind.
start new friendships and let go of the ones that you need to. say goodbye to
all of the things that have kept you stagnant and vow to keep moving forward.”
 |
| Ruika performing at gogofest |
That was all it took. Plus, I had been collecting
scattered writing materials over the past few years, and wrote an essay on
music for some friends’ blogs in 2012. The idea of “why not start organizing
these materials and really put together a collection of essays” probably took a
day to formulate, given that I work for Indiegogo so creating a crowd funding
campaign on the site would be the natural next step.
I replied to Crystal’s email the next day, and
started putting together a draft campaign, jotting down as many brainstorming
ideas as possible. In the next few weeks, I organized 3 years of writing
materials into different groups and themes, basically to form different
chapters of the book, and asked some coworkers who might have the knowledge
about self-publishing. I did all these to keep myself accountable so the book
idea would stick. I also started writing already in mid-October, and was pretty
much on the pace of one chapter per about 20 days. There were a ton of
materials to organize so the initial progression was really good for the first
few weeks.
November 2013 – Guest writers confirmed!
Since I work in the crowd funding industry, I
know by heart that crowd funding is not about asking for money, but asking for
involvement and engaging your audience & network (find a crowd that
cares). The idea of inviting guest writers to participate in this project
is based on this principle of crowd funding. In addition, I thought inviting
guest writers would be the most excellent way to keep me, and I suppose one
another, accountable and on track to actually pull this off together.
Among the several friends and coworkers I pitched
the project to, I had either known some of them and their writings for years,
or had recently started connecting with them but could easily tell that they
had the diverse experience and interest that would make them good writers.
Among the initial 7 guest writers who graciously agreed to participate and
share their writings, 4 are fellow alums from my school – Kyle Lamson (SEAS
’11) Malika Noel (CLAS ’07), and O.G.Rose (Daniel Garner, CLAS ’11 and Michelle
Opperman, CLAS ’12)
In late November, I also started sharing the idea
of running a campaign to self-publish a book with some coworkers and close
friends, just to test the water, gauge interest, and potentially secure some
“early adopters” of the campaign. It was indeed a great idea to start sharing
early on (but not too extensively) – I heard about the amazing self-publishing
website Blurb from one of my coworkers, checked it out online, and was
immediately sold. It’d be so much more convenient and cost-effective to use
Blurb’s on-demand printing and other self-publishing tools to edit, format,
design, and print than a regular print shop.
December 2013 – Campaign creation official
started!
I somehow managed to finish the first draft of 5
essays by December 2013 without taking days off from work. Adding in some of my
existing writings I wanted to include in the book, I had the first draft of 8
chapters by December, which was about 70% of the book.
Around the holiday season, I decided to take two weeks
of vacation on the east coast to visit friends, and in the meantime, really
started to put together the crowd funding campaign that I planned to launch in
early February 2014. At this point, the campaign remained in draft mode with a
lot of brainstorming texts scattered about.
I put writing on hold and spent a ton of vacation
time cleaning up the draft campaign, making it pretty, user friendly, and
light-hearted. A good campaign attracts potential contributors through its
beautiful design, strong pitch, straightforward concept, and interesting perks,
etc. I therefore spent the two weeks pretty much putting the campaign page
together, including images, texts, perk design (perk items and price levels),
and pitch video script. I also prepared a project management spreadsheet to
track my status on each of many tasks around this campaign, from timeline,
marketing strategy, messaging, to guest writer communication, and people I’d
reach out to for feedback. It was a chaotic two weeks, but I’m so glad to have
prepared well for the campaign launch.
January 2014 – User feedback sessions & pitch
video completed!
Constantly reiterating based on user feedback is
an important item I learn by working at an Internet startup. Coming back to SF
from vacation in January, I reached out to as many friends and coworkers as
possible, and received tons of good feedback on the draft campaign design,
content, and layout. Several rounds of reiteration resulted in the campaign you
now see.
For the campaign pitch video, I attempted my
first whiteboard video similar to those “Draw My Life” videos you see on YouTube.
I had used iMovie to do video editing before, but it was my first time filming
my hand drawing stick figures on a whiteboard, speeding it up, and adding voice
over. The filming and editing took literally a whole day of work, but
scripting started in December, and went through several rounds of editing as
well based on friends’ feedback.
In the meantime, I continued to communicate with
all the guest writers to provide guidance and details on their writings.
February- March 2014 – The chaos between campaign
launch and campaign end.
I launched the 45-day Indiegogo campaign on
February 4th to Indiegogo employees only, sent out personal
pitch emails to my network, and did a public launch through social media
channels the next day. These are all part of the campaign publicity strategy of
securing 30% of the goal within first week, in order to attract stranger money
down the road and keep the campaign momentum going through new perks and
stretch goals, etc.
The strategy worked – my campaign hit its
original goal of $500 the next day! As I did the public launch and continued
promoting it via emails and social media, contributions kept coming in. Since I
initially thought that my target audience would be my friends and network, my
publicity effort focused mainly on reaching people I know.
Throughout the campaign, I set up one stretch
goal of $2,500 in late February. I threw a goal-reaching party, which also
served as a little offline fundraiser, on the last night of February and
invited all my friends to my place. Everybody had fun, and this little offline
fundraiser also helped me reach my stretch goal on the first day of March, with
about 3 weeks to go before campaign ended.
I also leveraged special occasions such as
Valentine’s Day, International Women’s Day, and Pi Day to come up with special
limited-edition perks, keep it fresh through continuing publicity and campaign
updates.
The campaign ended on March 21st, 2014
with $3,576 raised from 109 contributors. After 45 days of chaos, I felt like I
had been working two full-time jobs. Now off to the actual writing part!
Looking forward to sharing our writings with the world in June!
PS: Although the crowd funding campaign has
ended, if you are interested in receiving a copy of the book, please email me
atRuika@indiegogo.com. Thank you!
This answer was originally published here
Have you heard anything about
the former Yale prof whose book "Excellent Sheep"[1]
takes aim at students at highly selective schools like the one you attended? He
says that students learn how to succeed, follow one another in activities and
then move on the path to consulting, banking and don’t bother to ask the big
questions.
In your book you describe
some parts of your experience at your university as fulfilling this
description. And yet the book you have written undercuts almost all the
stereotypes he promotes as true of students. Would you say that looking back
your education promoted the creation of educated sheep and that it was your
independent and creative spirit that made you different?
I never read the book Excellent
Sheep but did read the article, and it
resonates with me to some extent. I think the path I took in college
(activities, leadership roles, academic excellence, etc.) appeared to be what
the author described in the article, but I knew all along that it was simply
part of my continued path since elementary school – striving for excellence and
being well rounded, as I also described in my book. So many of my involvements
in college that painted a type-A personality image of me were mostly out of
habit, only in a different language and cultural environment which made it a
lot harder but I managed to handle it. Deep down, I also knew that there’s
something out there that brings me much more joy and fulfillment than getting
actively involved and pursuing a post-college career path in consulting /
professional service industry like everyone else. I knew since childhood that
music has been part of my identity and is more than a passion for me, and I
actively sought out experiences of making music and surrounded myself with
people who appreciate the immense joy of the creative process. To this day, I
still feel extremely grateful to have met a wonderful group of friends at UVa who
embrace creativity and meaningful connections. Compared to my time spent with
these friends, all other “excellence” experiences I had in college depicted by
the article seemed of a lower level of significance.
So I think to answer your question: I never knew
such a stereotype before diving in and experiencing it myself (but then quickly
learned it afterwards) and knew all along I am emotionally distant from it.
Any questions I should have
asked?
Nope – these are all great questions and thank
you for giving me the opportunity to write for you!
I hope that anyone who
wants to learn about how to learn will return to Ruika’s words here. I also
hope that many will want to find out more and purchase her book. In it she goes
into much more detail about some of the important issues she’s talked about
here.
I want to underscore a
couple of things that Ruika touched upon. For those who want to get the most
out of their education, it takes more than just hard work and study. Ruika made
an effort to learn skills like teamwork and leadership. These kinds of “soft
skills’ help any student compete well in a competitive job market.
Ruika did not stop,
however, when she earned a job at one of the more prestigious companies in the
world. She continued to explore ask questions and take risks. These traits
would make her an asset to any company in the world. In addition, her global
experiences make her an invaluable asset as she can add this increasingly
important trait to any discussion or plan to expand or change.
In addition, Ruika took
action to demonstrate just how to be a successful innovator. Her indiegogo
campaign to raise funds for her book should be used as a case study for others
hoping to learn how the world works in ways that did not exist a decade ago.
Ruika does not say so, but I will. She has been very kind to talk to a number
of students about creating campaigns on indiegogo and about making the
transition from a traditional company to something exciting and new. Each of
these students have shared with me that Ruika has given them invaluable
insights as well as being a great role model given all she has done. She has
learned by doing and now she is sharing this with others simply because she
wants to help.
And Ruika has helped me in
many ways too. Her willingness to craft her beautiful answers here demonstrates
this. And she also helps to undercut the stereotypes that I read posts about on
various social media every day. Anyone from pundits to authors like the one
cited above who calls high achieving students ‘excellent sheep, to educators
who should know better categorize certain groups of student into fixed
identities. When some of these types share that students don’t care about
thinking or that students from China are not innovative and creative (some say things that are downright racist or
xenophobic), I want them and others to read Ruika’s words. Ruika’s artistic
soul plumbs depths in herself and to those lucky enough to meet her through her
book and interviews. I am not so sure some of these so-called experts could say
the same thing.
 |
| Ruika in front of ShiShi high School |
*******************************************************************************************************************************
[1] A
couple of days ago, the former Yale prof who calls students who attend highly
selective schools ‘excellent sheep’ gave a lecture I attended. He read from
parts of the book, but in the question and answer session he reaffirmed his
belief that the majority of students who attend great schools largely don’t ask
questions that matter except about getting jobs and achieving a place in the
economic elite. He says he has emails from students that support what he says.
I have no reason not to believe him. On the other hand, I have Ruika’s words
and the words of many students I have interviewed on this blog and many
hundreds I have talked to in person who do not fit his description except in
superficial ways. I find it unfortunate that the author feels calling large
groups of people he dos not know derogatory names (“entitled little shits” is
one that pops up several times in his book). I also don’t think it helps his
contention that a liberal arts education gives people the skills to enter into
sympathetic discourse with others. From his book and then even more from his
tone and off the cuff insults in person, it appears he may not have learned
much from his liberal arts education. Ruika and others like her have
worked hard to do well in the
traditional sense of getting good grades. But she, and others too, have also
asked life’s big questions and then made decisions to take risks, to create art
and to live a full life --as hard as this sometimes is.
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