Essay Test: Goldfish, Coding, and Coaxing

The following essay was written in response to this Common Application prompt:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

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A Goldfish Called Gattaca

My cousin Bob* was packing for two weeks in Tahoe. He’d invited me to go with him. Bob was gregarious and confident. I was the opposite. I wanted to go, but couldn’t - Dad had “volunteered” me to be a TA at a programming workshop then. I resented that, but yet agreed meekly as I’m wont to do.

“Well, if you aren’t coming, you might as well babysit Gattaca.” said Bob. Gattaca was Bob’s pet goldfish. I’d named him for my favorite movie then. But Gattaca hid in his rocky castle all day, venturing out only at night. “Bad luck” Bob had said. “I’ll fare better with my next one.” That was three years ago, and Gattaca was still there, alive as ever, only out of our sight.

My instinct, of course, was to refuse. First the TA gig which I was coerced into, bad enough as it was, and now this added responsibility! I protested, but eventually acquiesced predictably. At the workshop, Gattaca was constantly on my mind. If he died on my watch, would I lose the trust of Bob, my only friend? I guess Gattaca must’ve consumed me so much that I didn’t fully comprehend the gravity of my immediate task. Instead of being my own shy self, I spoke freely at the workshop and glided effortlessly to help out.[1]

Words overheard in a Computer Science class

The class had auto-segregated itself by gender. Although it was meant to encourage girls to explore the wonders of tech, the boys were the most vocal. I had them program to find the Nth Fibonacci number and the boy side was promptly abuzz asking me to take a look at their “finished code”. But the girls were having a tougher time. Eventually a girl called Rachel* asked for help. As I looked at her screen, I realized she was on the verge of finishing the more efficient iterative algorithm instead of the naive recursion of most boys. I had Rachel present in front of the class and explained how her’s was the better solution. That salient event changed the workshop’s course. The girls became more responsive and confident - One of their own had set the stage. They asked questions, shared answers and were more vocal thenceforth. They realized, apparently, that not only can they too enjoy CS, but could also be appreciated for it.

That day at lunch, Rachel sat next to me. We talked more about Fibonacci, but I also told her about the shy Gattaca. “Sometimes they need to be coaxed until they find their feet” she said, smiling at the obvious incongruity of her statement. “Lure him out with a goldfish screensaver on your iPad.”

I tried Rachel’s suggestion that evening. Gattaca was initially apprehensive of his virtual neighbor but, surprisingly, he ventured to investigate. I left the screensaver running overnight by the tank. I have no evidence, nor have I run a controlled test. But the next morning Gattaca was outside the castle walls, showing off his shining gold armor in the sun. Rachel and I broke the ice with this story in class. At the end of that class, I was elated to accomplish something I never thought I could. The students had really enjoyed it. I breezed confidently through the rest of the workshop wishing there would be more in future!

When Bob returned to fetch Gattaca later, I offered to carry him out to the car. The tank jostled and sloshed when I moved it. I suppose some fish might have been terrified. But Gattaca was out, peering through the glass inquisitively. As I leaned forward to put the tank in the back seat, a serendipitous ray of bright summer bounced off the side mirror and lit up my face. At that moment, I swear, I caught Gattaca in his full glory - my own face reflected off every one of his glimmering golden scales.

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Questions

Rate this essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest. What  rating did you give it and why?

Does the writer answer the prompt? Support your answer.

If you had to pick 5 words to describe the writer what would they be?

Is this student smart? Support your answer.

Is this student a good teacher?

Would the writer be a good student to have in a class if: a. you were a teacher b. you were a fellow student?

Does the writer undermine any stereotypes about women? Support your answer?

Is the writer male or female? Should this make any difference? 

How would you describe this writer's voice (e.g. witty, sardonic, optimistic etc)?

Do you think you will remember this essay a month from now? Why or why not?

How could this essay be improved?

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I first read this essay yesterday when Panini, the author, posted a link to it on the website quora.com in response to a question about admission essays.

In addition to the essay  posted on LinkedIn, Panini has asked for feedback on this essay. Below Panini's  notes, I will post one final question

Notes

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9AQmk1F92g
* Names of people and fish in this story have been changed

Inspired by August Wilson, I started working on the above college admission essay soon after our Fences unit had finished in class. That was months ago. I didn’t show it to anyone. Not until it was finished. Every day I’d make minor changes, mostly removing a comma here, or adding an article there, and so on. Now, finally, it’s crunch time - My essay must be ready for submission in under two weeks. But based on the majority vote from the folks who saw it, I'm going to have to use one of my other backup essays instead. That’s a bummer because this is the one I like. Since I’m probably not going to submit it, I decided I might as well post it here on LinkedIn to see what extra feedback I could get.

This was my abandoned "final version" (649 words for a limit of 650),

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Do you think Panini should submit this essay? Why or why not?