Apocalypse Now: Rejected, Denied, Depressed

The news is not good.At least for about 90% of those who have heard.  The media is posting apocalyptic stories today about the terrible stats coming out about acceptance rates at schools around the US. The media is not doing anyone a favor by inciting fear, even as the Ivies prepare to release decisions:

"Many high school seniors are increasingly struggling to gain a foothold at schools that their parents won admission to without breaking a sweat.  

Getting into the country’s most selective colleges is more fiercely competitive than ever, with many schools reporting a record number of applicants, boosted by an easier application process and more aggressive recruiting. Twenty years ago, for example, Tufts University admitted 33 percent of the students who applied; last year Tufts made offers to just 15 percent of the pool. Northeastern University extended offers to nearly four out of five applicants in 1998, but only one out of five this year. Williams College’s admissions rate has shrunk from 26 percent to 12 percent over two decades.

As a result, these teenagers are now dealing with perhaps the most significant disappointment of their young lives, awash in rejection letters that have cemented this season as one of dashed dreams and what-ifs."  

For those who get bad new there   come the tears and then  The Questions. What could I have done differently? Is usually where students start, but the list of questions and self-questioning is long, sad, and, in almost every case, not useful. There are no simple answers and schools are not going to be specific to anyone who contacts them in answer to the Why was I denied inquiry The question below is one that is asked in one form or another by thousands of students and the responses are, unlike most pieces in the media, honest and I think helpful.

The question was originally posted on the website Quora.com. Many people have answered the question but I am going to select a few of the answers that I think will provide a guide for those who may have applied to a college or university and heard news which was not what they were hoping for. I guess I need to add that anyone who might be offended by a level of diction that would get at least a PG-13 rating should read no further. But those that use them here somehow managed to get into Harvard, Yale and other great schools.

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How can I come to terms with the fact that so many people I know got into Harvard, when I've worked nonstop for my entire life to get there and didn't make it?

I was recently rejected from Harvard (I'm a high school senior). I've worked harder than anyone I know to make it - everyone has told me for years that I would get in. I don't know what I could have done to improve, and it feels like I've just wasted my entire life and still come up short.

People will say that I'll go where I was meant to be and everything, but I just feel inadequate and frustrated. How can I feel better about this?

P.S. Just to clarify, I'm a girl, although it was funny how many people assumed otherwise

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Marc Bodnick, Harvard Class of 1990; A.B. in Government 
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A few thoughts:
• Going to "the best college" is less important today than at any time over the past 50 years.
• In the old days, there were a handful of good jobs in a handful of good industries. And those jobs got allocated to the top students at the top schools. In the old days, graduate school really mattered, and those slots also went to the top students at the top schools.
• But today, the hierarchy of entry-level employment has really broken down. There are tons of interesting companies today in tons of industries.
• It's really not clear to me whether colleges are at all equipped to train / prepare students for the world that's coming. I meet a fair number of people these days who never went to college and just taught themselves different kinds of skills. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go to college, but if "not going to college" is an increasingly intriguing option, then it follows that which specific school you go to matters a lot less than it used to.
• Also, it's never been a better time to teach yourself stuff, on your own, using the Internet and various creative materials (broadly defined). If you want to learn a skill, just go learn it. You aren't going to learn it at most liberal arts colleges.
• I think that many people who are obsessed with getting into Harvard at this point are likely too narrow in their thinking about the opportunities that the world presents, and are also probably too risk-averse. Over the past 50 years, you'll find that few of the great businesses were started by people who went to Harvard or Yale.
• So, in summary, I don't think not getting into Harvard has to impact your life as much as you think it does.  And you may need to get your head out of your ass re: obsessing about credentials and prestige or you risk making a bunch of bad choices.

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Ellen Vrana, Harvard College, BA History

So you worked your butt off, were praised constantly, and then didn’t achieve your dream.  That is your story, right?

Let me tell you how I would tell your story:
• You are a really hard worker
• You are well-admired by your peers and colleagues
• You are smart
• You set goals
• You aim and focus on those goals
• If you do not meet those goals, rather than wallow in pity, you ask others how to deal with it so you can pick up and move on.

HOLY SHIT YOU SOUND AWESOME!

Really, awesome.  Michael is right, it takes work and luck to get into Harvard. So an admissions officer didn’t decide to admit you.  So far, that is the ONLY thing that has happened.  That is it.

Here is what you do; go to school somewhere else.  You love that school, you excel at that school AND you excel in life because you are the kind of person who does that.  Clearly.

Harvard is like that person you met through online dating.  It sounds great, it looks great, it seems great…then you meet it and holy cow it is not that great.  In fact, Harvard is pretty damn ugly in person.    Harvard has a huge beer belly, and doesn’t always use deodorant, and talks about itself a lot.

So this is one person telling you that I think NOTHING less of you because you didn’t get in to Harvard. I promise you, you’ll meet thousands of others who also think nothing less.   Can you be one of them?  I think you can.  Because I think you sound awesome!!  And that awesomeness doesn't go away because you didn't get into Harvard.

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Torey McMurdo, I went to college once
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The smartest person I have ever known got rejected from every Ivy League school to which she applied for undergrad (plus Stanford -- even as an athletic recruit!); she went to a mid-tier state school instead, graduated with a 3.99 GPA, won a Rhodes scholarship and is now at a major Ivy League law school.

Setbacks are a set-up for a comeback. Abe Lincoln lost eight elections before becoming President;  Walt Disney was once fired from a newspaper because he "lacked imagination" and had "no original ideas"; The Beatles were rejected by a major recording studio because "they have no future in show business."

How you respond to this setback is entirely up to you. Harvard said "not now," not "never." Trust me when I say that this will not be the last time you fail in life, but future failures will be easier to swallow because now you know what it's like to get kicked in the gut. Dust yourself off and move on. That's how you honor those who put you in a position to apply to begin with.

Stephanie Vardavas, Yale '77 

You know what? FUCK HARVARD.

You've been trying to get in there your whole life? Really? Where did you get that idea in the first place? From your parents? What the hell do they know? Even if they both went to Harvard they have no idea whether it would be the best place for you, and neither do you.

FUCK HARVARD.

Harvard has built a great brand name over the centuries, but like so many brands, it would like to be all things to all people, and that's impossible. Harvard is great for some people, OK for others, and totally wrong for yet others. Yet by the nature of the brand, it creates a heightened level of anxiety in young people who believe their futures are on the line. Harvard cultivates this because it keeps the acceptance percentage low and the yield high, further burnishing the crimson aura.

FUCK HARVARD.

You're obviously an exceptional young person with a bright future. Choose from among the fabulous schools that were wise enough to offer you admission, that really want you; then squeeze every drop of benefit out of it, have a really good time, make great friends you will be connected to for the rest of your life, learn everything you can, and give them money after you graduate. That's how Harvard got to be Harvard, after all.

FUCK HARVARD.

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George Anders, improvising for a living, Stanford 
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You've joined a great club: achievers that Harvard overlooked

Don't let go of that frustration. Tap into it anytime you need a little extra motivation to climb the next mountain in your life .And take solace from these examples, lovingly collected by The Wall Street Journal's Sue Shellenbarger in a classic column about folks who turned  Rejection Letters Into Triumphs
• Harold Varmus, Nobel laureate in medicine, was twice rejected by Harvard Medical School
• Warren Buffett, the best investor of all time, and a pretty decent human being, too, was rejected by Harvard Business School
• Ted Turner, Tom Brokaw and Meredith Viera all were rejected by Harvard, and they went on to pretty amazing careers in broadcasting.
Yes, Harvard is a great university, and it has a long history of serving as a fine launching pad for careers in many areas. But it's not the only such launching pad in the U.S. If Varmus, Buffett, etc. could figure out a different way to succeed in life, you can, too. And, as Marc Bodnick points out in his excellent answer, the path to greatness is becoming more unpredictable and diverse all the time. If you can widen your gaze to include off-campus opportunities that are within reach, that will help you no matter where you get educated.

Oh, one more thing. If you're still feeling blue in a month or two, do some volunteer work at a hospital .Meet the patients in the burn unit. They've got real problems that won't go away, and they're still coming at life as best they can. Spend a little time trying to make their lives brighter. You'll be amazed at the impact it will have on your own outlook.

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Cyndia Yu, endlessly curious, constantly dubious, Harvard ‘16

You remember why you worked so hard. Did you work hard just to get into Harvard? The acceptance letter is not an end point; it's a starting point. From that point you must work harder than you ever have to stay afloat among your peers, to soak yourself in the opportunities and people around you, to take full advantage of the college experience. Your life is not successful just because you got into Harvard, and it is not worthless just because you didn't. Years from now, you will look back on this and be amused that you wanted so badly to go to that one school in Massachusetts where it's always way too cold.

It's inevitable that you feel frustrated, upset, and inadequate. When I got deferred by my early app, I panicked and felt like the world had just informed me that I wasn't good enough. As time went on, I remembered why I had worked hard in high school: because learning is beautiful, because ideas are powerful, because the world is a pretty damn cool place. We as humans by our very nature want accolades; we want people to cheer for us and tell us we're great, and no doubt you are bright, talented, and used to people telling you that you are bright and talented. You are the same person that you were before--this decision hasn't diminished the work you have done. Don't feel like you are somehow a lesser person. Admissions is a bit of a crapshoot in many respects. People will tell you truths, but you're not going to want to hear them.

Don't think of your life as working to get to Harvard, because you are better than that. Your self-worth is not defined by what some (human) admissions officers think of it, nor is it defined by the length of your resume. Learn about things that you are curious about, pour time and effort into things that make you happy, have great conversations about topics that interest you. You have worked hard for yourself, not for Harvard. Never forget that.

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I hope that the words you have just read will give some useful perspective on what it means and does not mean to get into a specific school. On another quora.com post I wrote in response to someone who was not just turned down by one school, but 7. I think my words apply to the question above and re-enforce what some of the others have said so well

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Rejections suck. No getting around it.  There are tons of sweet or mean or even enigmatic quotes on how to cope with rejection, but most don’t do squat if you’ve set your heart on something that does not work out.

On the other hand, almost all the people who have had great success in life talk in useful ways about how failure is the better guide to future success. Scientists who spend decades failing to come up with a solution or a cure know that ongoing effort and a commitment to a goal will create change, but it takes patience and time and most importantly acceptance that life is never a linear path. Nassim Taleb talks about developing a self that embraces the ‘anti-fragile’. By this he means that instead of creating walls of protection so that hurt never happens (it will happen no matter what), we should seek opportunities in which we try in new ways to approach a goal, knowing that failure is inevitable in most cases but that it does not need to be taken personally or permanently.

The schools you have applied to may be so interested in certain scores or certain types of students or certain other measures that you have no control over. If you have good grades and research and a way of demonstrating what educators call ‘grit’ then there are places you can go. You may have to redefine which schools are in your range, but then that is not a bad thing. If you go someplace and are a star then other doors will open. The name of the school is not nearly as important as performance. Virtually every educational study supports this.

Just this week I heard from someone who graduated from a great university with a 4.0, had great testing, great recommendations, great job experience, and a great personal statement (I have read it), but still got dinged at the ‘dream’ school. I thought the person would be crushed but instead the person said, in effect, "so what". That response alone convinced me that a very bright future lays ahead for the student. Instead of bitterness and blame the student took the news in and said ‘time to move on’. This level of acceptance and focus is rare. I certainly would not have had this reaction, as I would felt that I somehow ‘deserved’ a spot. But does hard work and strong performance mean we ‘deserve’ something? It is the plot we are told, but many people in the world work hard and never have a chance to rise out of poverty or sickness or something bad.

I would advise you to look at other programs, talk with academic advisors and with yourself. Is this a chance to find a new opportunity or path and if so what might it be?

“Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant’” R.L. Stevenson