Essay Test: Words and Voices

The following admission essay was submitted as a part of an application to a university.

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Human beings were never meant to read. 4 million years ago, our ancestors' brains evolved to scan the savannah for predators; 7,000 years ago, our cities shielded us from predators so we rewired the same neural networks to scan symbols for meaning. The storm of a billion synaptic explosions raging on inside your head as you read this paragraph is an unnatural, miraculous capacity of the brain to build an entirely new structure - the wordbox - out of the object cortex. We take it for granted, but reading is a psychological anomaly. For the past two years, the vestigial failures of the ancient mind have inspired my research into one of China's silent but destructive problems: undiagnosed developmental dyslexia.

Having long been interested in the effect of language on cognition due to my experience learning both English and Chinese as a first language, I led 9 classmates to investigate how dyslexia affects Chinese and its prevalence in Beijing. Our research confirmed our estimate that one in twenty children in China has dyslexia, but even more importantly, we found that virtually no support system exists to level this disadvantage. Having grown up in the US, I took for granted the IEPs and extra time on standardized tests that schools offered my dyslexic friends. In the US, diagnoses come early because teachers and parents understand that for some, 'trying harder' only goes so far in correcting genetics. Not in China. The root cause of the problem is a misconception that dyslexia does not exist for logographic characters, which China's meritocratic culture propagates by type-casting those whose study habits do not adhere to the conventional as unintelligent and unmotivated.

As a writer, filmmaker, and debater, I understand the power of rhetoric in correcting structural injustice. The film I am producing, Broken Cello, follows the story of a 14-year-old boy whose dyslexia results in his expulsion from junior high and shatters his dreams of becoming a cellist. It is the first of its kind to explore the themes and consequences of Chinese dyslexia. To ensure its accuracy, I consulted with my Psychology professor Tracey Tokuhama-Espinosa whose Harvard undergraduate course 'The Neuroscience of Learning' I am taking. To inject life into its art, I drew inspiration from the children I have met through an internship at Eliott's Corner, one of the few pediatric therapy centers in Beijing.

The rest of Psychology is just as fascinating. After reading Ramachandran (1998)'s experiments with anosognosia and Capgras syndrome, 'consciousness' to me seems more like an afterthought explanation of events rather than direct control over our actions. In fact, Frith (2012) argues that our sense of agency evolved to enhance social interaction, but our ineptitude at recognizing the causes of our own behavior suggests that it is little more than an illusion. Ramachandran (1998) also relies heavily on the existence of an internal probability calculator to explain phenomena such as projection of tactile sensations onto a tabletop and perceptual completion of missing visual information, but fails to indicate this calculator's location or whether its function is logical or mathematical. Is the left angular gyrus responsible for this phenomenon? I plan to read further into subjects like this as a Psychology student in university.

Outside of psychology, 5 years of competitive debate have also made me a student of argument and rhetoric. Last semester, I was Top Speaker at 2 consecutive tournaments (NSDA and NHSDLC). The campus debate club I founded two years ago has recruited over 350 members to date and is the largest non-profit debate organization in my city. Every week, I instruct students in the power of persuasion and lead discussions on issues like environmental pollution, and am deeply gratified to incite in my students a passion for activism and watch them grow into loud, powerful speakers.

  

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Questions

Rate this essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest rating. What rating did you give this essay and why?

What 3 words would you use to describe the writer of this essay?

What word would you use to describe the tone of this essay?

Is this student smart? If yes, what makes you think so? If not, what make you think so?

Should students cite specific authors and research as a part of an essay? Why or why not?

Compare this essay with the essay below? Which do you like better and why?

How would you say these essays differ?

Could the same person have written both of these essays?

If the author of these two essays is the same which one would you say captures her true voice?

Do you believe that each of us has a “true” voice? If not, then why do so many essay experts and college websites tell students to write using their “true” voice.

Would this student add diversity to her university? Defend your answer.

Would you like this student as a roommate?


Extra Credit: Where will this student enroll this fall?

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Essay 2 (follow link to read questions about this essay)

For over 200 years, historians have created a PR problem for pirates. They’ve cast these swashbucklers as filthy mercenaries and “avast-me-hearty” criminals. I too bought into this archetype until I came across Ching Shih, a 19th century Cantonese prostitute turned commander of 40,000 pirates. Her story revealed that the roots of piracy are not about plunder, but rather about a crusade against oppression.
A century before her time, the Golden Age of Piracy birthed the radical idea that you could liberate yourself from a state’s oppressive rule. For the marginalized and the powerless, pirate ships represented an escape from social exclusion. The Jolly Roger didn’t care if you were black, gay, a woman, or missing a leg, because the very ethos of pirate culture was a rejection of the rigid hierarchy and unyielding glass ceilings that defined 18th century nations like Great Britain and the Qing Dynasty.
Pirates took in the rejects of society and constructed their world as an antithesis of the worlds they left behind. Captains were democratically elected and answerable to the crew; the right to mutiny kept captains in check. Ships operated on a need-based division of plunder, and the community took care of the disabled. Despite often killing and plundering innocents, Golden Age pirates created the most inclusive social order in history.

Ching Shih, who herself entered piracy to escape a life of prostitution, was the first pirate captain to prioritize this order over the pillaging tradition. Within a decade she created an egalitarian society that enveloped an armada a thousand ships strong. Her strictly enforced code against rape and theft made piracy more accessible to women and more effectively protected the rights of towns than anything the Qing Dynasty had done before. By escaping the state, she rejected its tyranny; by creating a space where tyranny didn’t exist, she shone a light on the failings of her mother nation.

In times when barriers of exclusion seem impossible to break down, Ching Shih reminds me there is an alternative approach to confronting social injustice. Rather than attempt to force a change from within the state, she inspires me to recognize that sometimes a shell can only be cracked open from the outside. I cannot commandeer ships or plunder boats on the high seas, but the pirate culture’s legacy lives through me as I create the Jolly Roger of the modern world.

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