Essay Test: Titles, Depth, and Cosmetics

The following admission essay was submitted highly selective colleges and universities in response to this  Common Application prompt:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

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More than Skin Deep

In 8th grade I was asked to write my hobby and career goals, but I hesitated… should I just make something up? It used to be embarrassing to tell people that my hobby was collecting cosmetics and that I wanted to become a cosmetic chemist. Others might misjudge me as too girlish and less competent compared to friends who wanted to work at the UN, research in pharmaceuticals, or police the internet to crack down hackers. The very fact that I was insecure about my “hobby” was perhaps proof that cosmetics was trivial, and I was a superficial girl for loving it.

But my days began and ended with cosmetics. In the morning I got up early to rush through my morning skincare routine, and in ten minutes I looked and felt ready for the day ahead. At bedtime I relaxed with a cleansing ritual of different textures and scents of liquids, creams, sprays, and gels. Cosmetics was more than a hobby or pastime, but became an essential part of my daily life – it energized me and gave me confidence in the morning, and comforted me at night. Rather than hide behind it, I decided to learn more about it, and to explore.

However, cosmetic science wasn’t taught at school or elsewhere, so I designed my own training. It began with a search for a teacher to give me lab lessons, and then every Sunday I visited a cosmetician’s lab to formulate organic cosmetics. A year of lab practice taught me how little I knew about ingredients and so my training continued with an independent study to research toxins. By the end of junior year, I was pleased my exploration had gone well.

On my return home, I unpacked my luggage and realized cosmetics had invaded much of my space - dresser top was full of half empty or unused creams and lotions, and drawers were crammed with makeup paraphernalia. Each had been handpicked with loving care, every ingredients label inspected for toxins or allergens, but now they were just garbage! Would I also put out redundant stuff out there in the future, products that would soon be trashed? I needed to ask myself harder questions: WHY did I want to study for a career in cosmetic science? WHAT did I want to do? There’s got to be more…something more than skin deep…

Looking back, cosmetics had taught me to contribute in my own way. In 10th grade I made natural insect repellents to get rid of mosquitoes in dorm rooms, and so when the school trip to Nepal came up, the idea of donating insect repellents and sunscreens to sherpas on the Annapurna trails came naturally. The strong after-smell of cleansers in my room troubled me and led to a Green Chemistry Campaign researching greener alternatives, making safer cleansers and distributing them to dorm floors, and creating incentives for students to recycle and reduce waste.

Personally, cosmetics has also changed me. All my emails are signed with my motto, Stay Green Stay Organic, I prefer salads and veggie smoothies over carbs and meats, and exercise has become a pleasurable daily routine. The fun part is to witness the changes in people closest to me. Mom now reads labels on detergents and buys organic. My dear roommate who used to lay in bed all weekend munching on snacks now eats a low sodium diet and goes to the gym daily. Maybe contributing or making an impact for change doesn’t require a master plan or great vision, but just happens. Perhaps it’s a natural outcome of one’s commitment to something, or because it’s simply necessary. And perhaps my commitment to cosmetics will somehow turn out to become an instrument for something else. But for now, I tell people that, yes, cosmetics is my “passion.”

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Questions

Rate this essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest. What rating did you give the essay and why? 

Does the title add to the essay? Why or Why Not? Should personal statements always have titles? Defend your answer.

What three words would you use to describe the voice this student uses? 

Is this student smart? If yes, what makes you think so?

Is it a risk to write about cosmetics since some might perceive this as superficial? Would you have advised the student to write about something else.

Since selective colleges and universities underscore how applicants are treated holistically in the admission process, should essays or the list of activities be evaluated prior to looking at things like standardized testing? Should essays be read first? Do test scores bias admission officers? 

Would you be in favor of getting colleges to commit to reading essays before looking at testing the academic transcript?  Why or why not?

Would you be in favor of getting colleges to commit to reading essays prior to looking at factors like family background? Why or why not?

Pretend you are Sherlock Holmes. The only information you have about this student is the essay. How would use the clues in the essay to describe the student? Where is the student from, what kind of background, what kind of school etc. 

Would you want this student as a roommate?

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I would like to thank Melissa Lim for permitting me to use her photographs to supplement this essay. (Just to be clear, she did not write the essay) I featured Melissa on my blog  a while back. She is a successful entrepreneur who has launched a line of organic beauty products. She should inspire anyone who wants to work hard to make something move from a dream to a reality. I have purchased her products and they are wonderful (I receive no compensation of any sort for saying this.) For those who wish to find out more, you can visit her website.