Essay Test: Diamond and Sand

The following essay was submitted to highly selective colleges and universities.

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Diamond and Sand

“Petch, your older sister’s name is Sigh (meaning sand in Thai); Why is yours Petch (diamond) ? There is no connection at all.” I was always asked this by people who first met me.

I always humorously answered that sand in Chemistry is made of silica, and diamond is considered a type of carbon. Both carbon and silicon are in he fourth group in the chemistry periodic table. Other than this chemical relationship between sand and diamond, I have no idea how our names are related, since my parents never told me.

Wait, I haven’t mentioned that I have a sister yet. How can they know about my sister?

***

“Who’s Petch? Can you stand up please? Asked Mrs. Patum on the first day of 7^th grade math class. Surprised by the question, I stood up slowly.

“Has anyone ever told you how much you look like your sister?” She spoke to me, then turned her head to the class and said, “His sister is one of the best students I have ever had, But, whether he will be like her, I have to wait and see..”

I sighed. Alright, I need to be “the best student ever,”  I thought.

For four years, I tried hard to be like Sigh. I did many things she did. Many times, I even did them better than my sister used to do. I thought, now people will know me as “Petch” not Sigh’s brother.

            “You are Petch, the youngest Thai representative to compete in the International Olympiad in Informatics, right?” When I first moved to my high school, many strangers attacked me with this question. I smiled with pride.

            “So, you must be the younger brother of Sigh. She was also one of the delegates, right? She’s so wonderful…” The smile vanished from my face.

            Exhausted by this kind of question, I remained silent. That was the moment I realized that if I just did everything like her, everyone would remember me as a copy of my sister. Why do I have to be like her to feel successful?

That was the first time in my life when I tried many different activities on my own, uninfluenced by my sister. Dappling at first, I ended up discovering many new interests; two of them where computer graphics and photography. After discovering my hidden passions, I helped two of my friends found the school newspaper, and I was named the art director. As I was a math and science major in my Thai high school, the students were tense about their academic performance, leading to keen competition Thus I was amazed by what I learned from the humanities students,        When I worked for the school newspaper. Why do they seem happy without having to win any prizes? I asked myself. They’re happy because they don’t compare themselves to other people. They follow what they are passionate for.

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It was the first snow. On Sunday morning, I was walking alone through the serene sanctuary behind my new American school, carrying my camera and listening to songs on my iPhone. There were not any other footsteps on the path full of snow.  I am paving my own pathway. Though this path may be like others’, this time I chose it not because I was trying to be someone else, but myself.

Though diamond (Petch) and sand (Sigh) share many inner chemical characteristics, they each have their own, unique qualities.

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Questions

Rate this essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest. What rating did you give and why?

What personality traits would you ascribe to this student?

Do you feel this student should have talked about the competition he felt with his sister? Do you feel he reacted in a way that would help him gain admission to highly selective schools? Why or why not?

Does the use of italics add to the essay? Why or why not? 

Should formatting be an important part of evaluating an essay? Why or why not?

Is this essay structured well? Why or why not?

English is not this student’s  first language. Should he have had an editor help him with any possible idiomatic issues? Would this constitute too much help or not?

Would you like to be in a class with this student?

Would you like this student as your roommate?

Is this student smart? How do you know?

This student is a Thai scholar. These students receive full scholarships to attend a boarding school in the US for one year prior to attending college.  They also receive full funding for their study in college. (To find out more about the program and the students read my interview with a Thai scholar).  Would this student add diversity?  

Would you consider admitting this student over other students who may have significantly higher scores on the reading and writing sections of the SAT/ACT? Why or why not?

Do you feel you have to compete with anyone? Why?