Advice for the Forlorn, Part II

I was asked to answer the following question on the website Quora.com

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How do I get over being rejected by top universities?

I was rejected from Princeton, Stanford and Yale. This has shown me that I'm really, really bad at dealing with rejection. Decisions came out months ago, and I feel over it. Then I'll see that so-and-so's son is going to Harvard, or so-and-so graduated from Yale, and it stings. Each time I remember, I feel disappointed with myself, my self-worth and self-esteem drop and I feel like a failure.
I know logically that it doesn't mean that I'm a worse person/stupid, and that the admissions percentages are ridiculously low. I also know that it's not like my life is screwed because I didn't get into the Ivy League. I'm going to a great school, and I'm sure I'll be happy there. I just can't seem to stop feeling like I'm a failure, even though I remind myself of the above points. How do I kick myself over this bump and make my emotions (disappointment, low self-esteem) match what I'm fully aware of?

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You are not alone. More than 90% of those who applied to the schools you mention are still, at some level, feeling the sting. Some feel it more of an itch; for others, it’s more of a hornets’ nest unleashed in their brains. The “why” questions can drive us to insight or let us stand open jawed, mouth breathing, by the side of the road hoping someone will stop by and give succor in the form of an answer. Some answers never satisfy or never even come.  Others are trite and well-meaning and others mean spirited. I could compile a long list of answers that won’t help. I hope mine might at least lower the number of recycled “whys”.

 
Here is what I know from having been in charge of selecting students for an honors program at a top 25 university. These students were the top 5% of a huge applicant pool. Virtually all of them wished they’d been accepted to an Ivy. They all feel dejected and all asked why. They had the numbers, the performance, activities that would predict success anywhere. 
 
But then they started classes and hung out with smart students like themselves. They started to get involved in activities and to found new groups. At the end of 4 years many of these students graduated at the top 5%. Many won awards and many were accepted to the schools you mention for graduate school. In this day and age it’s graduate school that matters more for many careers. And for those who don’t pursue graduate work (and most top students do, either directly or after a few years of work) they get jobs in the usual high profile places like Google and Goldman and cool start ups.
 
Read Gladwell’s David and Goliath chapter on the student who went to Brown. Going to an Ivy is not a ticket to success. It can be but for those who don’t come in near the top of an incredible pool it would have been better if they’d gone to a less completive school. 

 
The goal of school is to prepare you for what’s next by instilling confidence, critical thinking, skills, and networks. You can find this at many schools in the world. I would argue that going off to school knowing you are near the top of the class will give you a better start than feeling you have to be able to compete with a group of geniuses all around you. If you think in terms of being a star instead of being one of many great students, you will act as if you are star and that primes you for success. I am not just saying this to make you feel better. There is lots of data to back it up.
 
So get ready to go off to school knowing you have the skills to be one of the best on campus. Get everything you can from the classes, Profs, students, activities and other students. If you do this, you will find you will have doors open in all facets of life. And if you do what I just said, I hope you will update your question with comments about what happened after your first year. I am willing to bet I am right about what you will feel then. 

 
You should also read the responses to a similar question posted a while back on Quora. There are some great answers here: 
 
Career Advice: How can I come to terms with the fact that so many people I know got into Harvard, when I've worked nonstop for my entire life to get there and didn't make it?

I have cut and pasted from a few of the best answers from that question here and added a some things of my own: 

Parke Muth, consultant: Rejected: Advice for the Forlorn
http://onlyconnectparke.blogspot.com/2013/12/rejected-advice-for-forlorn.html