The following essay was submitted to a highly selective
university in the US.
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China Business News is one of my favorite
programs. Every Saturday night, my father, mother, and I gather before the
television to see what has happened around the world and in China on business
and listen to some comments of top economists. My father and mother influence
my interest in economics and accounting. My father earned a bachelor of
economics degree and an MBA one after another. He once worked in the Ministry
(name deleted to protect identity). In his eyes, economics always related to
politics. My mother got her Master’s degree and works for (a top company in
China name deleted) In her eyes, economics decided the income of the employees.
I was brought up with their endless economic agreements and disagreements with
each other. They often said to me, “How do you know whose opinion is more
practical?” Under such circumstances I got acquainted with many economic terms
and turned to be curious about them when I was very small. The familiarity and
the curiosity have lasted for the last 18 years.
I take my high school study in (one of the top 5 high
schools in China, name deleted). It is a key school that has gained
considerable fame in China. Bred in this venerable domicile of learning were
many politicians and famous businessmen, and teachers, from who I have learnt
how to learn and live. I have maintained rounded development throughout my
study here. With a distinguished academic performance, various extracurricular
activities, and the determination to pursue continued excellence, I enjoyed
being in the top 2% of my class.
To me, passion is the weapon to win any battles. Our class
has won award in competitions all across China in Singing and in sports. The
medals my teammates and I won were due to our passion and teamwork. At the same
time, I was brace and intelligent. As a member of a special summer camp for
international student leaders hosted in China, I gave the welcome speech at the
opening ceremony as the one representative student. I was appointed as a group
leader who shouldered the responsibility to take care of all the foreign
visitors who took part in this global camp. After the second day acting as a
tour guide for the student visitors a girl from Indonesia caught a fever. I was
worried and concerned. In order to keep the situation under control I sent her
to the hospital immediately. Not until the doctor told me it was not so serious
and an injection would solve the problems, did I relax. But we met other
problems. At that time I was not fully educated in the dangers of penicillin
hypersensitivity. Just when I was starting to worry that the girl might be
allergic, I thought about how to communicate this potential danger. I drew a
picture of a person covered with red dots to explain the allergy reaction. She
understood the issue and conveyed to me and I to the doctor that there was no
danger in giving her penicillin. It cost half the night, and we were tired when
we got back to the dorm at 3 in the morning. We had sweet dreams that night.
I know that undergraduate study is a crucial preparation for
life. To achieve my goal I realize there are no ‘give ups’, so I have made up
my mind to study economics at your renowned university. I promise that your
favorable consideration of my candidacy will lead to a great education for me
personally but also a chance for your school to benefit from my success as a
leader, a student, and once committed to attaining success in the world.
Questions:
For admission officers, what should the stylistic expectations
be for a student whose first language is not English and who has never lived in
the US?
Do you consider this a successful essay? Why or why not?
This student has underscored her academic success, her
leadership, her problem solving skills, her interest in and talent in music,
and her passion for economics. Would you say this makes her a well-rounded
student or a student who has demonstrated superior ability in a variety of
areas that colleges like to see?
In China, there is a huge industry today in which students
pay huge some of money to have their essays written for them. Many essays from
China are perfectly written and more sophisticated than this one. Should a lack
of sophistication in an essay from China be a potentially good thing given that
it is likely the applicant did in fact write it herself?
Based on what you know, are you favorably disposed to
advocate for this student to be admitted to a selective school?
This student submitted the following test SAT II and SAT I scores.
Physics: 800, Mathematics Level 2: 800, Chemistry: 800. Critical Reading: 620, Mathematics:
800. Writing: 670. Did these scores change your mind? Why or why not?
If you had to submit an admission essay in a second language
how good would it be? Do you think most admission officers at highly selective
schools could write as well as this student in a second language? Is the last
question unfair? If so, why? If the reason this student was not accepted to any
highly selective school centered on a perceived lack of writing sophistication,
do you think this is fair?
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