Essay Test: Character, Diversity, Service

The following two essays were submitted to US colleges. The first essay was submitted in response to the common application essay prompt. The second was submitted for consideration for scholarships or as a supplemental essay.

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Essay 1 

It was a Saturday when our whole family gathered at my grandparents’ home to have our regular dinner and discuss the past week. But, that day was different. When we started cooking dinner my dad received a call from his colleague telling him that his younger brother was caught by the police for some form of fraud. My dad was furious. I did not know what to think. Although I tried to assure myself that nothing serious had happened, I could not get rid of my anxiety.

My dad was a civil servant who worked for the government as long as I could remember. He felt that there was no other substitute for his work; it was his passion and the second most important thing in his life after family. But everything crashed in that moment, with that one call. He lost his job because of his brother. Civil servants in Kyrgyzstan are not allowed to have relatives who have problems with the law: they are fired, or must resign. At 39 years of age, my dad signed the order of dismissal that deprived him of his rights to have his pension and work for government. After fifteen years, his resignation felt like a stab in the back.

My mom was a happy woman who had a job that allowed her to spend every evening and weekend with family. But, when my dad lost his job, my mom had to get a second job to pay for our education and bills.

At fifteen I was spoilt. I would become angry when my parents did not buy me something I desired. Even though I had two little sisters I thought most often about myself. However, I stopped crying and complaining when I saw my mom’s tears for the first time in my life. My heart agonized because I knew that she was crying because of me. One time my teacher invited her to school to discuss my behavior- I was seen by my teacher scuffling with other girls on multiple occasions. I had a feeling that my mom blamed herself for my behavior. I realized I had to make every effort to prevent my mom from crying again.

I started to do little things that could help my mom not be exhausted at the end of the day. I started with household duties such as cooking, cleaning up our home, watching after my siblings. I also stopped getting in trouble at school.

My parents noticed that I became more open to them, and I stopped complaining. I was happy that my efforts were paying off. Seeing me change my dad was inspired to change his habits, and do something new for the family. He took the responsibility of looking after my youngest sister, who was two years old, because we couldn’t afford a kindergarten or nanny. Some time later everyone noticed that my dad became full of energy. He told us that he could handle any setback in order to see smiles on his daughters’ and wife’s faces. With me and dad helping at home, my mom got used to the second job, and started enjoying it.

Everything in this world is interconnected. Everyone’s actions affect those around him or her. My uncle’s actions influenced my father’s life, then dad’s situation influenced my mom’s, and finally all of these actions influenced me. However, I found out that actions work both ways. Consistent positive action by one person can also create a positive ripple effect. I believe that if it is true on a scale of one family, it must also be true on bigger scale. From my experience I can tell that one person can truly make a difference.

Essay 2

December 25, 2015. I dressed up, made some finishing strokes, and stood behind the door to the hall. Three - relax, two - be ready, one - go, I could do it, and the door opened...

November, 2015. I am at my aunt’s house. We are talking about typical things: school, her job, family. Suddenly, she fell silent for a moment, and then asked me if I wanted to visit an orphanage. For a long time, I had wanted to visit the orphanage but my aunt was against it. She thought the harsh reality would negatively affect me. I did experience a moment of doubt, but then I agreed because I thought I could play with the children there, and we would all have fun.

Two days later, when I came to orphanage, the first thing I saw was how fifty boys and girls aged five to ten were trying to hide from me. Before I visited it, I thought when I would come, children would gather to meet me; they would be happy to see a new face. But I quickly realized my hopes were too high. In fact, the reality was much worse than I expected.

The manager told me not to be upset because I was the first teen, who ever came there to play with orphans. She explained that in most cases people just left money or gifts with the principal, without ever even seeing the children. Then, she organized a tour. When we came to the library I saw very few books; there were only two bookshelves with ten books on each one.

I decided to collect books for orphans, and also organize them a pre New – Year party to help them to open themselves up and interact with people. I asked my friend’s mom to find the costumes. I decided to post on Facebook, Instagram, “VKontakte”, place an ad on my school’s board, and ask every teacher to make an announcement in class.

It was tough to collect books; I organized a lot of meetings with people from my city who were not indifferent to the problem of book scarcity at orphanages. But three out of five meetings were unsuccessful because there were only two to three people who showed up. It hurt me a lot to discover that of about two hundred people who said they would definitely help, almost all did nothing. I cried a lot; however, I did not give up, and every meeting I waited from 12 pm to 6 pm. Even though I had some difficulties, I met a lot of good people who helped me to enlarge the number of books, and some of them gave me toys and board games too.

December 25, 2015, At 6 pm we dressed up like symbolic figures representing New Year and Christmas: I was Santa’s granddaughter who wore a snowflake crown. One of my friends was Santa with a long white beard, and others were elves with large bags who helped us to cheer the orphans up.

Then, after the party, I came almost every week to visit the children, and to read with them books that we gave them, or play board games. Most of orphans overcame their fear, and started to interact with me, and to think of me as a friend.

I felt the smiles of the children, their confidence in me, and their friendship warmed my soul.

I realized that actions that are similar to my experience are worth supporting and continuing. When I come back to my homeland after my college graduation, I believe that the academic skills from my college experience will help me to address the problems of people’s indifference to orphans and people in need. I want to be a leader to improve the economy of my country to solve such problems in a creative way by making numerous social programs.

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 Questions

Rate each essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest rating. What rating did you give them and why?

What 3 words would you use to describe this student?

Aside from a student’s academic program, what are the factors that you would like to see have the most importance in admission decisions? Rate from 1-5 with five being the most important.

Recommendations ______

Capacity to Add Diversity _______

Essays _______

Testing (SAT/ACT) ______

Character/Grit ______

Would this student add diversity to the class based on the essays?  Are some kinds of diversity valued more than others in college admission? Should they be?

How would describe this student’s character? Does the student demonstrate grit?

Would you vote to admit this student to a selective college that you would like to attend?

Do you think these essays help support the case the student should receive a merit scholarship or need based financial aid?

English is not this students first or second language. Does this alter the way you would/should rate this essay?

Would you like this student as a roommate?

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I would like to thank Aiana for letting me post her essays here. I also want to  provide a little context about her and where she is from. After that I have included the recommendation I wrote for her. Her story will, I hope, encourage others to reach for their dream.

Two summers ago I travelled to Kyrgyzstan to meet with and talk to students around the country about education in the US. Accompanied by my hosts, the Kyrgyz Leaders Academy, a non-profit that helps students, most of limited means, learn how to apply to US colleges. We went to all the major cities and talked with many students who were among the top academic performers in the country. It’s useful to know that for most students in Kyrgyzstan, English is a third or fourth language. They grow up speaking Kyrgyz, and Russian; in addition,  many attend Turkish schools because the Turkish government has paid for these schools to educate many students.  Obviously, learning English is not emphasized the way it is in many other countries. For these student to learn Englsih and then take the SAT and do well means they have done what almost no one in the US (or any other place) can do.

For those who do not know much about this country you are not alone. It is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful places on earth (and I say this having been to many countries around the world). It was a part of the Silk Road and then a part of Soviet Union and all the different travelers have left their mark on this largely tribal people.   Looking at people in the cities there is no national look in the sense that there are traces of many ethnicities, In addition the country is  also made up of many tribes. The national flag (see the photo above) references the 40 tribes that the national hero, Manas, gathered to  oppose the Mongols. As a result of its history and ethnic mix Kyrgyzstan is diverse in ways I have not encountered in other places. On top of this, the people are kind, the food is great, but unfortunately the country suffers from a poor economy and a very high unemployment rate. 

Very few families have the means to send their children to schools outside of Kyrgyzstan. Some go to Russia or nearby countries, but very, very few can come to the US. Those who do usually need full or close to full scholarships. Few colleges offer full aid to international student unless it is ithe form of merit scholarships. The aid they use is for US citizens and most schools don’t have enough need based aid to cover even those in the US.

Aiana knew the odds and nevertheless persevered and applied to a number of selective colleges. What follows is the recommendation I wrote in support of her.

Aiana

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Recommendation

It is never easy for me to try, constrained by space and lack of adequate descriptive skills, to capture the essence of someone who humbles me because of their accomplishments.

Aiana is among the most inspiring students I have met in over 30 years in education. This is not hyperbole, and I say this having been lucky enough to serve as a faculty member at Uva, the dean of international admission, and the person in charge of selecting students for the honors programs. Since then, I have worked with a small number of exceptional students from around the world who are interested in pursuing their education in the US or UK. Most of these students are accepted to what many consider to be among the best schools including  the Ivies, Stanford, the Claremont Schools, MIT, U Chicago, CMU, Cal Tech etc.

This fall I returned to Kyrgyzstan to help the students who are associated with a non-profit, Kyrgyz Leaders Academy, located in the capital of Bishkek. Thanks to a grant from the Soros foundation, I had been invited there two years before to represent US education to the top students from all around the country. That trip demonstrated how the students at KLA are well prepared and hungry to pursue their education in the US. Several of those students were the first to receive merit or financial aid scholarships (KLA was in its first year of operation). Last year, I encouraged Joan Liu, (who this year received the highest award winner in IACAC for helping underserved students from around the world), to visit Kyrgyzstan. She also had a transformative experience and she has now acted so that KLA will be able to nominate students for the UWC system and will continue to provide free tutoring for students for college admission.

I mention all of this as I think it is vital for you to have some idea of the country, the students, and the situation in they are in. Approximately 30% of the small population of this former Soviet Satellite country is unemployed. There are few natural resources and a weak infrastructure. Large parts of the country are still rural and tribal.  

I returned to Kyrgyzstan on my own initiative a month ago because I know the small staff at KLA and while they are wonderful people, they do not know as much as they might about applying to US schools. Because of my current job in China, I could only stay for 3 days. During that time, I met personally with each student and tried to give them advice about how to fill out their applications.

While each of the students has compelling credentials and a personal story that is moving, one in particular stood out.  Aiana walked in to our interview with the kind of eye contact, firm handshake, and confidence that I rarely encounter even among those I coach for interviews at Goldman, Google, or Oxford. But her belief in herself extends far beyond the externals. The minute we began to talk I knew we were going to be for a long conversation that would be informative and fun. She is, as a glance at her transcript will demonstrate, a strong student. We talked about her school, her studies, and her goal of studying in the US to prepare herself to be someone who will eventually make a difference in Kyrgyzstan.

She is aware that she is lucky in ways relative to many in her country. She has the opportunity to attend a good secondary school and she has the opportunity to take advantage of the people and resources at KLA.

Her testing profile puts her in the top of students in all of Kyrgyzstan and she is perfectly fluent in spoken English. It is not just her pronunciation that is impressive. She is capable of talking in specific detail about the value of learning in ways that few international students do. She is aware that the US system offers students the chance to develop critical thinking skills and this is of great interest to her. She can talk well on a variety of topics from politics to books to her life.

If you have read her application essays you will already know that she has a clear voice, a trait that is much talked about in the admission world as vital to the success of personal statements.  Aiana’s voice is full of compassion, dedicated to family, to those less fortunate than herself, and to the communities she is a part of in and out of school. Unlike many essays which cover similar topics, hers describe her world without any cloying sentimentality or overwrought abstractions. Her life has not been easy but she sees her role as one who can help others. Her actions toward helping others are in some ways rare simply because many who apply to college do not have some of the same challenges she herself has had. And yet there is not a hint of self-serving pandering to our sympathies. She is a strong person and conveys that strength in virtually every way a person can in person and on the page.

I think more than anything else the following story tells enough about her that I would hope any school would find a place for her and would give her the necessary support to make her dream of getting a US education a reality. At one point in our conversation Aiana and I started to talk about the value of service to others. I already knew she had had some economic challenges at home and I was moved to hear that she wanted to focus on her Christmas story. She not only collected books and gifts for the orphans, she made the event festive in keeping with the Christmas season.  I feel it is poetically just that I write at nearly the same time of year, but my gift is to tell you that this essay is that rara avis (rare bird)—a one off. After hearing Aiana tell her story to me I told her that she had a homework assignment—she needed to write the essay and she needed to write it in one night. The essay you are reading is, with only a couple of cosmetic changes, the essay she submitted to me the next day. This may not seem that remarkable but in the waters I swim in it is unheard of.

Currently I work some of the best secondary school students in China, Singapore, and the other places around the globe. This is not an exaggeration. I help students who attend the top schools in Beijing, Shanghai, Nanjing. Most have TOEFL scores above 112, have all A’s on AP/IB/Gaokao track and SAT scores above 1500. I help them brainstorm about essays (I have written for the US News and many other forums about essays.) Typically students will do at least 8-12 drafts. And yet the majority of these student’s essays are not nearly as clear and well-written as Aiana’s. I have never had an international student write so effectively in one go. In other words, when she gets on campus she will be exactly what she seems --a wonderful thinker, writer and human being. She has not had a team of professionals to work for weeks or years creating a persona that will appeal to the top schools. It is hard for me to try to describe how exceptional her performance is relative to those who have had every advantage in the admission process. Please do not get me wrong, I love working with the students I do from around the world. They have read more, researched more, studied more than most would think is humanly possible. But they have a team of caring professionals. I am certain if she had the chance to be tutored by the best in test prep etc. she would have monumental scores and activities that demonstrate her ability to do high level research.

I know this is a very long letter, so I will cut to the chase. I  want Aiana to be given an opportunity to enroll, with a scholarship at the schools she is applying to. I want this as much or more than I want to  see any of the wonderful students I work with get into their dream schools. The latter group will all get into someplace great and will have a bright future ahead because of family and other support. 

Aiana, I am sure, is going to be a leader. For 25 years I have been a part of the Jefferson Scholar Selection process. This is one of the top merit scholarships in the US and almost all of these students end up becoming leaders in their chosen fields. I see Aiana as a student who could be as successful a leader in Kyrgyzstan.

We have been I touch since I have returned to China for the rest of the Fall and she is always positive, always on top of things, and always keeping me on my toes. I am lucky to know her and hope that you will be able to say the same thing when you meet her on campus this Fall.

I give Aiana my highest recommendation. I hope that if you have any questions about her that I might answer that you will contact me.

Sincerely,

Parke Muth

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Note: Aiana  will attend Lafayette College this Fall.  She was selected as the Oechsle Scholar for the Class of 2022 This most competitive scholarship award is only offered to one international student in the first-year class. As an Oechsle scholar, the financial assistance she receives will be fully funded through a grant from the Oechsle scholarship. This eliminates any work-study component and also a loan option. The award is comprised exclusively of grant (i.e., scholarship) monies.

Her selection for this scholarship was based on both academic as well as co-curricular achievements along with input from the donor – the Oechsle family. The scholarship is for students applying from a former Soviet Republic.

Note: I write recommendations only for students I work with on a pro bono basis. 

KLA students