Essay Test: How Important Is the Topic and How Important Is The Writing Style?

The following essay was submitted to highly selective universities.

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Kindness for me takes the shape of a glistening peach lump in a steel bowl. Curd, made from goat’s milk, served with a cup of mountain-chai; chai that would rival liquefied Haribos in the sweetness sweepstakes. Childhood sojourns in the mountains were motivated by a desire to watch cirrus float. Treetops taper. Snow blanket the crags. But I was most excited about meeting the people. After my identity was more firmly set in the mould of urban life, however, my idyll and my friendship with the locals was marred by a cultural chasm. I felt that the divergence in our attitudes and life experiences was conducive to nothing more than superficial ties.

All that changed when I met Deepa.

Deepa, a pale girl with a Himachali lilt, worked at the guest-house where we were staying. We made small talk about the weather, the best places for seasonal fruit, and our respective families. As the conversation progressed, she mentioned her work in the fields during the sowing and harvesting seasons. The hours were grueling— eight per day, sometimes ten— and I asked her how she managed those hours during her ‘monthly pains’. She simply said—

“I use dried pieces of cloth.”

This story would sound a lot better—if a whole lot cheesier—had this revelation alone spurred me to found Pads Without Borders. I had read online about women who resorted to using dry leaves and rags during their period, but thanks to Deepa, I no longer had the luxury of taking refuge from the pangs of my conscience under the smokescreen of depersonalisation. We were both girls on the cusp of womanhood, and that sense of kinship exposed cultural, language, socio-economic, and geographical barriers as artifice.

But what next?

There are certain unspoken rules that every Indian girl intuitively follows. You do not give your family any indication that you speak to the opposite sex, much less enjoy their company. You feminize their names when feeding their numbers into your phone. Aditya becomes Aditi, Rohan becomes Rhea. Your staunch advocacy for women’s lib does not make for sensible dinner-table conversation. And you definitely do not utter the word‘ menstruation’ in the presence of a male family member.

Which is what I did.

It was awkward to talk to my father about menstruation as he scrutinised my face with incredulous, where-is-your-mother eyes. But I gained confidence as I spoke to him about educational interruptions and infection risks, and he heard my monologue patiently. After I finished, I frantically searched his face for signs of displeasure.

He kept silent.

When I hinted at wanting to supply sanitary napkins to these women, he said—
“Draw up a sound plan, and if I think it works, I’ll back you.”

The next few days were a blur of schoolwork, rudimentary mind maps, and research. I had no clue what a sound plan entailed, but it was fun to assemble my own sales-pitch. Under the headings Technologies, Product, Distribution, Accounts, and Auditing, Cirrus (named changed at the author’s request) began to take shape. My father helped me simplify and cost-cut. He rolled his eyes at my suggestion to affix RFID tags on pads, and suggested manual record-keeping over Postbooks. In the following months, we conducted reconnaissance missions, designed boxes and stickers, made calls to firms to negotiate price and transport costs, agonised over disposal, prepared educational leaflets, sifted through legalese, contacted school principals and CSR teams, and trained locals to assist with distribution. There were obstacles. Some were less accepting of our cause. Boys taunted girls and tore their bags open. I received a health-related query only after three months of interaction.

But an act of kindness (especially when it involves milk products) is powerful:
it begets a thousand kindnesses. By expanding Cirrus’s reach from 25 to over 800schoolchildren over ten months, I plan to get there eventually.

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Questions

 Rate this essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest rating. What rating did you give it and why?

What words would you use to describe the author’s voice?

Does the author use an effective hook to capture readers’ attention? If so what makes it a good hook?

Is the author smart? Support your answer.

Do you think the essay topic  a student choose should be a significant factor in determining admission? Defend your answer.

Has this student made a significant difference in the lives of others? If so, how did she do this?

Should the fact that her father helped her put her plan into action be a factor in determining how significant her actions have been?

Would this student add significant diversity to the student body? Defend your answer. If yes, should this student be given special consideration for the diversity she would bring to the university she chooses?

I this student a creative innovator?  If yes does this predict future success?

Do you think the author could teach others about women's issues?

Does the author have a sense of humor?

The writer employs several sentence fragments. Should this be held against her?

How would you describe this writer's style? How important should style be when evaluating admission essays?

Would you want this student as a roommate?

Did you know that there are young women all over the world who do not continue their education because of the shame associated with menstruation?