Essay Test: Maturity, Diversity, and Laundry

The following essay was submitted to highly selective universities in response to this prompt:  

Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

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I was born and raised in Vietnam. At the age of fourteen I left my comfort zone to do to Singapore on an ASEAN scholarship to pursue my dream of a better education (Parke’s note: the government of Singapore provides full scholarships to attend secondary school for top students from around the region. The students are academically gifted.) Not only has this place taught me to become an independent young adult but also shaped my thoughts to appreciate and make the best use of the diversity around me.

Being the youngest child in my family I was used to being take care of by my parents. When I first moved to Singapore I found it hard to manage everything on my own. No matter how simple or difficult the problem was, as a young girl, I had never found it easy to make decisions. It had never struck me how doing my own laundry could be so complicated, or how making college decisions could be such a gigantic task. With lots of lessons learned in hard ways I have learned to be more independent and mature.

The learning process could have been bumpier were it not for my friends who stayed with me in times of need just like my support group back home. The only difference here was that my friends in Singapore came from far more diverse backgrounds with different races, cultures and languages. As my life has been spiced up with interesting individuals around me, I learned how to be more racially sensitive as well as culturally appreciative.

Singapore has given me more than an excellent education. It has trained me to become an independent adult to get ready of any challenges life might bring to me. It has also taught me to see life through different angles by embracing diversity.

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Rate this essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest. What rating did you give it and why?

English is not the student’s first language. Should this be taken into consideration when evaluating the essay?

The prose here is clear but not sophisticated or detailed. How much should this be weighed in determining whether this student should be offered admission?

If this student had the money to hire a good editor and the essay was finely crafted as a result would this underscore the issues surrounding who gets access to highly selective colleges and universities? 

Do you think that going off to another country to attend a great school has made this student more mature than many who have stayed at home? 

Should maturity be an important admission criteria in selecting students? 

Rate the student from 1-5 with 5 being the highest on how much diversity she will bring to campus. What rating did you give and why?

Do you think that even if some highly selective schools are significantly overrepresented with Asians students that this means they should not be given a significant plus in terms of adding diversity? Defend your answer?

Are some Asians more diverse than others? If yes, does this apply to other races and ethnicities too? If so, how would you define how much diversity an individual could contribute on campus?

If you knew before reading this essay the student scores 2130 on the SAT I test and had 3 SAT 2 scores of above 750 ,would this alter how you perceived her writing and academic ability?

Does this essay help predict academic success? 

Would this student make a good roommate?

If you were to give this student advice about how to improve her essay what would you say?

How do you define diversity?