Essay Test: Should You Take a Risk? Part II

As a part of  my series of “essays tests”  that I have posted on this blog,  I am enlisting the help of a couple of students, The College Board, and the author of a book on admission essays.  What immediately follows is an essay submitted to colleges. I will then ask a few questions about the essay. After that, I will include some comments from a student about this essay in response to a question he was asked to answer on the website quora.com.

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My most important experience sought me out. It happened to me; I didn't cause it.

My preferred companions are books or music or pen and paper. I have only a small circle of close friends, few of whom get along together. They could easily be counted "misfits." To be plain, I found it quite easy to doubt my ability to have any sort of "close relationship."

After the closing festivities of Andover Summer School this past summer, on the night before we were scheduled to leave, a girl I had met during the program's course approached me. She came to my room and sat down on my bed and announced that she was debating with herself whether she wanted me to become her boyfriend. She wanted my reaction, my opinion.

I was startled, to say the least, and frightened. I instantly said, "No." I told her I on no account wanted this and that I would reject any gestures she made towards starting a relationship. I would ignore her entirely, if need be. I explained that I was a coward. I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with a relationship. I talked a lot and very fast.

To my surprise, she did not leave instantly. Instead, she hugged her knees and rocked back and forth on my bed. I watched her from across the room. She rocked, and I watched. Doubts crept up on me. Opportunity had knocked and the door was still locked. It might soon depart.

"I lied," I said. "I was afraid of what might happen if we became involved. But it's better to take the chance than to be afraid."

She told me she knew I had lied. I had made her realize, though, how much she actually wanted me to be her boyfriend. We decided to keep up a relationship after Andover.

Even then, I was not sure which had been the lie. Now I think that everything I said may have been true when I said it. But I'm still not sure.

I learned, that night, that I could be close to someone. I also realize, now, that it doesn't matter whether or not that person is a misfit; the only important thing is the feeling, the closeness, the connection. As long as there is something between two people — friendship, love, shared interests, whatever else — it is a sign that there can be some reconciliation with fear, some "fit" for misfits. And it shows that fear need not always win, that we can grow and change, and even have second chances.

I am still seeing her.

Questions

Rate this essay from 1-5 with 5 being the highest mark. What rating did you give and why?

Is this a risky essay? Why or why not?

What have you learned about the writer of this essay?

Are the character traits the writer underscores a good predictor of academic success? Why or why not?

Are the character traits the writer underscores helpful in determining whether the student will fit well on a particular campus? Why or why not?

Is this student smart?

How would you describe this student’s voice?

How much should essays be used in the selection process to colleges and universities? Should they be about as important as testing? Recommendations? Activities? Defend your answer.

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Here is the question that Lawrence Chiou answered on the website quora.com. Lawrence attended Harvard as an undergrad and is now at Stanford for graduate school.

How risky and honest should I be in my common application essay?

Would it be a bad idea to write a story about the time I was almost arrested for possession of marijuana? The event completely changed my life and I have been completely clean for almost 2 years. I'm just worried they will just label me as a "druggy" and reject me.

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Although some potentially "risky" college application essay topics might be excellent starting points for good general writing, a college essay is a very specific piece of writing. You want to write something intensely personal or reflective, but at the same time, your essay should have extremely broad appeal. It's a delicate balance: a good essay is attention grabbing, perhaps even shocking (in a positive light), as college admissions officers like to see some creativity and some edge, but it has to do so without being overly provocative or acerbic. An effective essay will connect to readers of varied backgrounds and ages without doing anything to disconnect them.

Many admissions officers are reasonably open minded about a variety of subjects, but some might have a relatively low bar when they come to judge of what is "overly provocative" ("I know it when I see it"). Consider what writing might be appealing to a very conservative high school English teacher.

The college admissions process is already as competitive as it is; admissions officers already take careful note of all of your potential weaknesses, and you don't want to give them another thing to think about. (Perhaps this is just a funny coincidence, but on the Common Application, the "Disciplinary History" section is located right after the "Personal Essay" section.) Some effective college essays do spin weaknesses into positives, but they are almost always rather toned down. They appear to take a risk but are actually quite "safely risky."

One classic example of a "safely risky" essay is the from the College Board, adapted from The College Application Essay by Sarah Myers McGinty). It touches on a potentially sensitive and very personal topic—namely, the high school romance—but is strung together in a broadly appealing way that also relates to the general theme of college admissions ("fitting in"). It could have been written in a way that was a bit less "cheesy," but sometimes, frankly, cheesy is good for a college admissions essay. 

You never know—sometimes, the risky essay that you've grown attached to doesn't turn out to be your best essay anyway. When I showed my first Common Application essay final draft to several teachers and advisers (most of whom had significant experience with the college admissions process), I received universally positive feedback as far as the writing went, but a couple noted that it might have been too risky. Both of these individuals were fairly open-minded, so I felt that they were very likely right, but even if they weren't, my overall application was strong enough that it wasn't worth the risk.

As painful as it was to start anew, I went with a different topic instead and ended up with a much stronger college essay.

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I would like to thank Lawrence for letting me post his answer here. His answers to questions on Quora are always wonderful and I have learned a great deal from him. He had a difficult decision to make about his essay. He ended up re-writing his essay and judging from where he attended school, it was a good choice for him.

Some might question his decision to change, given that some people read what he had written and liked it. Several, however, thought it might be too risky and so he wrote a different essay instead.

If I were writing 10 years or ago or more I would disagree with Lawrence’s decision. Now, however, I believe that students should think twice or more before submitting a risky essay. I say this based on the reactions I have received from admission officers and college advisors over the last couple of years.

Recently, I posted another admission essay in this on-going series of essay tests. The essay is clearly risky and I asked some questions about it. I then posted the essay on forums for educators and asked for feedback.  The vast majority of those who commented on this essay did not think the student was successful in his attempt to portray his family as a part of culture obsessed with how we are perceived. There were many reasons given for why the essay was not good, but most focused on the tone and diction that came across as too negative.

The feedback from many professionals who work with or admit students challenged me to think more carefully about what I advise students to do when it comes to picking a topic and approach. The essay I posted has a history. A long while back, I was asked to write a piece for the US News on admission essays. Many schools use this piece to advise students and I have referenced it many times when talking to groups or individuals about essays. I still think the part about not writing a McEssay is useful (the standard 5 paragraph essay that follows a preset form and is often abstract and flat). On the other hand, I ended the piece by advising students to take a risk on the essay. I used an essay as an example of what I thought succeeded in capturing our attention by commenting on what the applicant thought, felt and experienced living in in his family and in the US. The essay I used, you have probably guessed, is the one I posted  recently and that received a lot of negative feedback (there were a few, however, that loved it). If that were the end of the story I would need to make an apology for misleading people about essays. I still may need to do this, but there are a few more things that happened to the writer of the essay since he sent it.

First of all essays in vacuum, without any other information, may be interpreted far differently than they are under ‘real’ conditions. Virtually no one in admission begins the assessment with the essay. Typically readers look at the personal information about family, background, and location. After that most look at the academic profiles: transcript, courses, grades and testing. After that a reader may look at the activities or recommendations or essays. But the reader has been primed to read an essay based in part of the information they have seen. I wonder if it would have changed reader’s minds if they knew that the student was the top student in his high school, with a great program and very high testing? The student applied from the mid-west but is Asian American. Would these things have swayed the reader differently? Cognitive psychologists would say they would but how they would sway readers is hard to say.

Four years after the student submitted his admission essay, a very well known public intellectual published an article in a major media outlet that talked about the current state of students at highly selective universities. While he noted how bright the students were he also noted that they were on a conveyor belt for certain professions and spent far more time prepping for success than thinking about thinking and living. He did, however, cite one student who bucked the trend and quoted from an essay the student wrote for his class. Yes, you are right, it was the same student. Since then, the student has become a faulty member in the English department at a very highly regarded college.

Does what you have just read convince you that the risky essay I posted was indeed a great prediction of writing talent and that his view while not warm and cheery were still based on intellectual acumen? Maybe so.

More importantly, however, is that the risky essay proved a more important point. A risk, by its very nature, means that it has the capacity to stand out or the capacity to be an epic fail. For most readers of the essay the latter was more the normal reaction. In other words, risks do not always work. That is why they are risks. In this case, the essay spoke to me, but if it had been another reader it might well have been given low marks. In fact, it would seem the majority of readers would give it low marks.  

Each of us is shaped by our education, life experiences and genetics (and much else too). The cliche about how we are all unique individuals does hold true.  How I respond to an essay or a book  movies or almost anything will not be objective and will not be 'true'. I point to people lie the philosopher Richard Rorty and to cognitive scientists like Robert Trivers for support about his. I do so because I do not wish to come across as saying I was 'right' about the essay I posted. There are multiple kinds of reaction that can come from words whether they be from Shakespeare or Kanye. 

The essay put up on the College Board as a successful essay is one that I think a lot of people might not like. Many educators say in no uncertain terms to avoid the boyfriend/girlfriend essay. Some might think the essay which has such a focus does not demonstrate a wider view of the world or his experience in it. Did you give this essay high marks?  It too is a big risk but the author who used it in her book has this to say about it: 

Boyfriends and girlfriends can be risky essay topics. However, this writer skillfully employs the story of the beginning of a relationship to illustrate a larger point — the power of love to overcome fear.

This essay enriches an application full of academic achievements, scores and grades. It's definitely not something found elsewhere in the application. It's short and to the point. It's interesting because it's believable.

 Do you agree with her?  Is the moral of this blog entry that risks should not be a part of the student’s application? On a pragmatic level the answer is yes. If a student wants to reach the most readers in ways that are positive if not quite effusive, then writing a clear, concise, detailed essay that tells a personal story is the best approach. On the other hand, the student who did take a risk ended up getting into a great school, finding a wonderful mentor who developed his skills and then helped him on his path to become an English professor. For him the story ends well.

In admission, as in many other parts of life, there is not a single answer as to wether a student should take a risk or not. If a student is bright, writes well, and isn’t afraid to get dinged for trying something unorthodox, then a risk may well be the right approach. But for those trying to weigh the odds in a highly competitive process, then taking a somewhat safer approach might be best.

There are many people in leadership positions in business, the arts, and other fields who believe they have achieved what they have through risks. At the same time, many also talk about how learning from failure is one of greatest teachable moments. For those daring to risk not getting in to a dream school, is it worth the risk to write something that might well not go over well? I would like to hear what others have to say  in response to this question as I consider how to revise my own thinking before talking with students about the best approach to writing essays for selective colleges and universities.