Essay Test: Poetry as and in Motion

The following admission essay was submitted to highly selective colleges and universities.

*******************************************************************************

Under a Glass Dome in Manoa

Banyan trees in Manoa

Driving these streets with Susan is like tracing monastery rooms on a roadmap. She is drawing a floor plan of tirerubber over the roads of Manoa. I don’t know whether this Toyota can break the sound barrier, but the landscape is blurring together. The sky is bending into a dome, the trees are arching, melting into a fantastic aqueduct. Susan, could you drive a little slower? I would like to write this down, turn it into a poem. Susan laughs and turns up Iz Kamakawiwoole.

We are going to Susan’s house to finish our economics project. Personally, I would rather write poetry, but I have nothing against a great grade in econ. Besides, the ride is inspiring. The street is beginning to bend—welcome to the foothills. Susan’s reaction to the sharp curves in the road varies inversely with mine: she speeds up.  I would be driving 15 m.p.h.  It is amazing how much Manoa looks like Piedmont. I should write that down.

My father grew up in Piedmont, a place of many trees. Manoa has many trees; they look like currents of energy when Susan isn’t driving so fast. My father’s trees look more like Gothic windows, though. They cut the light into triangles. Susan, do these trees look more like blue-flame currents or Gothic windows to you? Susan is not listening to me, just singing along with Iz.

I have just noticed that Susan has the most beautiful hair. The way the windshield reflects on it is particularly enchanting. It is auburn. Not the tired auburn of autumn leaves; it has more gold. My Father used to have an herb garden with a parch of flowers. He grew zinnias, marigolds, and nasturtiums. This is turning into a poem.

The car winds to a stop. Susan is muttering numbers and something about fiscal policy. I am not listening to her: I am scratching feverishly into my notebook, trying to write a poem.

******************************************************************************

Questions

Is this a successful admission essay? Why or why not?

What is the essay about? What is the plot?

Does the essay seems haphazard or highly structured? Defend your choice.

What is a poem?

Do you identify more with Susan or the narrator? Does the contrast help us learn more about the narrator? If so, what characteristics does the narrator underscore?

Do the details about the narrator’s father evoke any emotions in you? If so, what are they?

nasturtium

Does this essay show or tell or both?

Is this piece of writing a prose poem? Why or why not?

Would you like to drive around with this student? If so, why?

Would this essay be more effective if the Common Application permitted students to embed photos?

Dome of the Sky