“We define our identity always in dialogue with, sometimes in struggle against, the things our significant others want to see in us. Even after we outgrow some of these others—our parents, for instance—and they disappear from our lives, the conversation with them continues within us as long as we live.” ― Charles Taylor, Multiculturalism:
The following essay was submitted to highly selective colleges and universities.
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11:00 PM. I’m practicing ZiJiu, though my motivation may be
unusual. I devote forty-five minutes of my ephemeral teenage life to this
Buddhist self-healing method to better myself, physically and spiritually, to
soul search and alleviate my mind from the stresses of the day. These movements
give me serenity an clarity that helps me answer the philosophical question:
Who am I? A question I’ve struggled with as long as I’ve been aware of my status
and a third-culture kid.
I begin, feet parallel and shoulder-width apart, knees
slightly bent, body upright, arms forming a circle at my chest and palms gently
together and thumbs pointing away from the other fingers at ninety degrees. I
empty my mind and collect innate qi entering a state of serenity. This
knowledge, which mu ZiJiu master has shared with me, has blessed hundreds.
Five minutes into the ZiJiu process, attaining “inner
focus”, my mind drifts over a question that haunts me. How can I answer a
question like “who am I?” when I cannot answer the simpler question, “where are
your from?” as students and teachers often ask whenever I start a new school. I
often wonder what it feels like to have a hometown, not to be treated like a
foreigner, or have old friends. Throughout my life, I’ve searched for a place I
can call home—a place that has some affinity to my spiritual self.
Adjusting my position balancing the yin and yang meridians
of my feet, I consider America, my place of birth and culture. I think of
Malaysia, where my ancestors are buried, but I think of it as merely a world of
summer vacations and winter breaks. Moments of peaceful meditation bring poetic
images of Penang Bridge and boats ferrying passengers across the strait linking
Butterworth to Penang.
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| Penang Bridge |
I suck my stomach in to prevent innate qi from sinking.
Perhaps Singapore is home. I know every mall on Orchard Road; I know where each
MRT station leads, and where to find the best black-pepper crabs and Laksa
noodles. Now I’m in Shanghai—a surreal world where I’m queen of haggling in
markets, but yet attend an international school. I’ve travelled to my ancestral
home in Chengdu and climbed the Great Wall. Mentally and physically I’m on a
journey, where I look for myself.
 |
| Orchard Road |
Dripping with sweat, yet feeling relaxed, I triumphantly
recall the ZiJiu master’s words, “Only through perspiration will one find
harmony.” Through my journeys I’m discovering who I am. I am unique. Along this
physical and spiritual journey, I seek balance and harmony. I’m growing to
understand the connections between my physical and spiritual self just as I am
the connections between my past and my present. Because I’m brave enough to
live an examined life, it is easier to drift off to sleep. In the morning, I
will look forward; I’ll ask the question again, and because I know how to breathe,
relax, meditate, I’ll know that the question is not greater than myself.
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Questions:
Is this a great essay?
Does this essay show instead of tell?
Or does it show and tell?
What personal characteristics come across and do they help to predict future success?
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| Laksa |
Would this student add diversity to an incoming class? Why or why not?
Are TCKs (third culture kids) at an advantage or disadvantage in the admission process since they switch schools, countries, and languages?
This student would be grouped in with all Asian-American applicants in terms of statistically collected data reported on profiles and for US News etc.
Asian-Americans are already at a disadvantage in highly selective admission as they are over-represented relative to their population in the US.
Do you think this student should be given special consideration for the diversity she might bring? Should this special consideration to be given to her at the expense of another Asian-American or to the class as a whole?
Should schools worry about enrolling "too many" Asians? Why or why not?
I think the answer to most, or all, of your questions hinges on the "highly selective" nature of the universities to which she is applying. As to whether this is a good or a great essay: I think it's very good and it both shows and tells. I can see her doing yoga, and her repetition of the phrase, "I'll know that the question is not greater than myself" shows some contemplation, self-knowledge, and reflection (all good indicators that she will be a careful, appreciative, and probably very engaged student were she admitted to Highly Selective University X).
ReplyDeleteBut even the mention of " third-culture kid" detracts from making her an individual. I tell my students (not that they always listen, but I tell them) that even though they are in a rather unusual education system for the US (the French system), as long as more than one of them is applying to the same university, they can't just say that "I'm diverse because I attend a school with 50 nationalities" or "My parents are Norwegian and Peruvian but I attend a French school and I've never felt as though I've had a country." In other words, my students, and this applicant, have to assume when writing their essays that someone else has had basically the same background they have had. I know the numbers out there, from working in admission: for almost any experience you can think of, someone else has done the same thing or has had a very similar experience.
What does this mean? It means that the way you write about your own experience is crucial. It means you dig deeper and deeper within yourself, to present yourself as an individual. This is true for Asian students, but it's true for anyone these days, in the era of 47,000 applicants for 2,900 spaces (in the case of one university who just sent me, a college counselor, an email telling me how selective their admission is going to be this year).
I realize I am perhaps dodging your completely valid questions about whether there should be preferences for certain groups or limits on others, such as Asian students. I'm conflicted about that myself, very conflicted.
Ultimately, at Highly Selective University X which has an admit rate under 10% (often 5 to 7%), I think there are so many of the same kind of ANY student that one of the things which must differentiate any student is her essay. I see this student as an individual, up to a point. When she starts talking about being a third-culture kid and about her country rather than herself, I see her less as an individual and more as part of a group. I think students have to be directed either to look inward and write about what's inside, or take a tiny event and show-show-show . . . These things are very hard to do and hard to coach an overworked student under deadline pressure to do.
But if this student had told me more about why "the question is not greater than myself" (how is she great? what does she care about? what is she proud of?) then I as the admission officer would see her more as an individual and be more inclined to accept her (assuming many other factors are roughly equal, like academic program/grades/test scores/economic background), no matter what group she comes from.
Amy,
DeleteYour willingness to devot a great deal of time to your response is most appreciated. Your words on these issues come from your extensive and wide-ranging educational experiences (and a very well wired brain). I hope to respond in more detail in the coming days; I have already added your comments to a discussion on TCKs going on now on LinkedIn.
I think the essay is trying to convey too much, and is too crafted to let a real voice come through. I always recommend that students put a title on their essays. Besides drawing in the reader (assuming it's a well-conceived title), it means having to capture what the essay is actually about--a thesis/focus. In the case of this essay, I suspect it would be a bit hard to capture it in a meaningful title because it's unfocused and trying to elaborate on too many topics (I know ZiJiu, I'm a TCK, I have lived in all these places, I have done all these things...) As such, it reads like a cliche of the international school kid essay.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the voice is over-stylized. To me, essays read more authentically when they're written as if speaking to someone--intelligently, but naturally. I often ask students to tell me about their essay--a trick to hear their actual voice on the topic. I usually blurt out, "Write down EXACTLY what you just said!" In the essay above, I don't hear this student in the essay because s/he is trying too hard to craft some imagined lovely, intertwining piece.
Granted, the writing itself shows a good command of the language and it is a crafted piece. But it is not unique and so doesn't convey any unique insights on this particular individual.
Thank you Mario for your comments and analysis. I think your technique of getting students to tell their story out loud is a useful way of for students to bypass the censoring mechanism many people have when faced with writing words on a page.
DeleteI am interested in your comments about the essay being too crafted. In admission-speak, the word 'polished' is often a euphemism for 'edited heavily by someone'. Do you think this student had a heavy editor or is simply trying too hard?