"Only Connect is not a blog just on education, college and admissions any more, but it is also on cultures, adventures, differences and identities (or identity struggles) - something that I've either never been exposed to, or that I could empathize with so much, but was not able to articulate. I feel 'connected.' Thank you." -Mandy
I'm assuming that by "essay test," I'm supposed to act as an admissions officer and say 'yes' or 'no.' I say 'waitlist.' Fence-sitting? No. I think this student comes to an excellent conclusion, but has a cliched intro. I really like the line about chopsticks and marshmallows. I also like the line about preferring writing to science next to the mention of Chinese heritage - I do think that a lot of my fellow students (as well as admissions officers) make the incorrect assumption that Asian students care exclusively about math and science and lack creative potential. I like the Great Gatsby as well, but I would eliminate one of the Fitzgerald mentions. "Name the unnamed" confuses me. While I know who Safran Foer is and understand the quote, I'm not sure everyone would, and it seems abrupt. I'm torn about the bullet point-like formatting. I think I like it. A good essay, one I'll remember. Maybe that makes it a 'yes' for me.
Thank you so much for your words. You are brave to put your reading of this essay out for people to see. Should an admission officer or a fellow student add points to an essay by an Asian student which works against the stereotype? In other words, would having an atypical Asian add to diversity in ways that should should be considered as a plus in the overall evaluation by an admission officer? I think, if I am reading your words, that by the end you are more swayed to say yes by the end? Or is this going too far?
I'm writing this trying not to read the two comments above, so as not to be influenced. I enjoyed reading this essay: at least, I enjoyed the structuring device of the "tell-your-life-in-six-words" sentence. The idea grabbed my attention at the beginning, and he (it seems like a guy) seems to write with great ease. Having read lots of application essays in my career (as an admission officer at a highly selective school, and now as a college counselor at an international high school), I nevertheless approach such a neatly wrapped up structure with some cynicism. It sounds as though it could be a highly coached essay, because of the structuring device and because, despite the catchy opening phrase of each paragraph, basically it's the "McEssay" dressed up in Hemingway, albeit telling us more about the student than PM's classic 5-paragraph McEssay. The structuring device is a very clever way to allow this student to tell us a lot about himself, though not in tremendous depth. I was grabbed by each topic 6-word sentence, but lost some of my interest as the paragraphs went on. Each paragraph, it seems to me, could have been an essay unto itself. I felt as though he was cleverly trying to do a throw-everything-in-the-pot essay, and I couldn't get rid of my nagging doubts that any high-school student had thought of all this himself (the 6-word life summation organizing theme).
Now, granted, he is interesting, and this essay is better than at least 90% of essays, in my experience. As to whether I'd admit him . . . it depends on the selectivity of the college, on what his accomplishments are in and out of class. He's likeable. He's somewhat unusual in that he grew up in the US but then moved to Taiwan; so often it's the opposite. I wanted to hear more about what that was like: what did it feel like to go live in your country of family origin, after having grown up in the US? I doubt it was easy.
So this is a tough one . . . I would have said Yes in the applicant pool I used to read, which had a 25-ish% acceptance rate for out-of-state students. For a top-ten these days, the Ivies and Stanford and others with a single-digit acceptance rate, it's a tougher call and depends on what else is in his application.
Thank you so much for such detailed and insightful feedback. I do not want to say more than this for the moment, as I hope that others may read the essay and comments before I weigh in. It would be helpful to all if more people would write a comment. I am trying to gather data on essays to write something up that will be useful for all those going through the stress of trying to write an admission essay that will help admission officers hear a voice that could (and likely would)add significantly to an incoming class. Your students are very lucky indeed to have an expert like you fighting for them.
I'm assuming that by "essay test," I'm supposed to act as an admissions officer and say 'yes' or 'no.'
ReplyDeleteI say 'waitlist.' Fence-sitting? No. I think this student comes to an excellent conclusion, but has a cliched intro. I really like the line about chopsticks and marshmallows. I also like the line about preferring writing to science next to the mention of Chinese heritage - I do think that a lot of my fellow students (as well as admissions officers) make the incorrect assumption that Asian students care exclusively about math and science and lack creative potential.
I like the Great Gatsby as well, but I would eliminate one of the Fitzgerald mentions.
"Name the unnamed" confuses me. While I know who Safran Foer is and understand the quote, I'm not sure everyone would, and it seems abrupt.
I'm torn about the bullet point-like formatting. I think I like it.
A good essay, one I'll remember. Maybe that makes it a 'yes' for me.
Thank you so much for your words. You are brave to put your reading of this essay out for people to see. Should an admission officer or a fellow student add points to an essay by an Asian student which works against the stereotype? In other words, would having an atypical Asian add to diversity in ways that should should be considered as a plus in the overall evaluation by an admission officer?
ReplyDeleteI think, if I am reading your words, that by the end you are more swayed to say yes by the end? Or is this going too far?
I'm writing this trying not to read the two comments above, so as not to be influenced. I enjoyed reading this essay: at least, I enjoyed the structuring device of the "tell-your-life-in-six-words" sentence. The idea grabbed my attention at the beginning, and he (it seems like a guy) seems to write with great ease.
ReplyDeleteHaving read lots of application essays in my career (as an admission officer at a highly selective school, and now as a college counselor at an international high school), I nevertheless approach such a neatly wrapped up structure with some cynicism. It sounds as though it could be a highly coached essay, because of the structuring device and because, despite the catchy opening phrase of each paragraph, basically it's the "McEssay" dressed up in Hemingway, albeit telling us more about the student than PM's classic 5-paragraph McEssay. The structuring device is a very clever way to allow this student to tell us a lot about himself, though not in tremendous depth. I was grabbed by each topic 6-word sentence, but lost some of my interest as the paragraphs went on. Each paragraph, it seems to me, could have been an essay unto itself. I felt as though he was cleverly trying to do a throw-everything-in-the-pot essay, and I couldn't get rid of my nagging doubts that any high-school student had thought of all this himself (the 6-word life summation organizing theme).
Now, granted, he is interesting, and this essay is better than at least 90% of essays, in my experience. As to whether I'd admit him . . . it depends on the selectivity of the college, on what his accomplishments are in and out of class. He's likeable. He's somewhat unusual in that he grew up in the US but then moved to Taiwan; so often it's the opposite. I wanted to hear more about what that was like: what did it feel like to go live in your country of family origin, after having grown up in the US? I doubt it was easy.
So this is a tough one . . . I would have said Yes in the applicant pool I used to read, which had a 25-ish% acceptance rate for out-of-state students. For a top-ten these days, the Ivies and Stanford and others with a single-digit acceptance rate, it's a tougher call and depends on what else is in his application.
Amy,
DeleteThank you so much for such detailed and insightful feedback. I do not want to say more than this for the moment, as I hope that others may read the essay and comments before I weigh in. It would be helpful to all if more people would write a comment. I am trying to gather data on essays to write something up that will be useful for all those going through the stress of trying to write an admission essay that will help admission officers hear a voice that could (and likely would)add significantly to an incoming class. Your students are very lucky indeed to have an expert like you fighting for them.